Having a loved one with a borderline personality disorder (BPD) isn’t easy. This personality disorder makes it difficult for a person to process or manage their emotions. Living with BPD means dealing with self-image issues, mood swings, behavioral changes, insecurity, and instability.
A borderline personality disorder usually begins to show during teenage years and early adulthood. Did you know that women are more likely to be diagnosed with BPD than men? Well, some experts believe that this could be because men are less likely to seek professional help. In other cases, a borderline personality disorder can also be mistakenly diagnosed as post-traumatic disorder (PTSD) or depression.
In this article, let’s take a look at 12 examples of what not to say to someone with a borderline personality disorder or BPD. Before we begin, let’s take a quick overview of what BPD is, its symptoms, and its causes.
An Overview Of Borderline Personality Disorder
If you suspect a loved one or if you believe you have a borderline personality disorder then you can start by understanding some of the common symptoms of BPD:
Having self-harming behavior
Having a pattern of unstable relationships – personal or social
Worrying about abandonment
Having a poor self-image
Engaging in impulsive behavior such as impulsive shopping, binge-eating/drinking, etc.
Experiencing feelings of emptiness
Having trouble trusting other people
Experiencing feelings of paranoia
Having anger issues
Experiencing feelings of dissociation
Experiencing frequent mood changes
Having suicidal thoughts
Please note that many symptoms of a borderline personality disorder may overlap symptoms of other mental health disorders such as PTSD or depression. It is recommended that you talk to a professional mental health counselor for an official diagnosis.
The causes of BPD are not exactly known but mental health experts believe that factors that may cause BPD could include genetic factors or having grown up in a stressful or traumatic household.
Borderline personality disorder can be unpredictable and the symptoms can frequently change. While there might be no issues in your life, you may still be having a hard time coping with BPD. I believe that because of the unpredictability of BPD, many people living with this personality disorder struggle with holding stable jobs and relationships.
Below, let’s take a look at the things NOT to say to someone with a borderline personality disorder. Using these phrases can mentally and emotionally harm your loved ones so, avoid using these below phrases.
What NOT To Say To Someone With BPD
1. “You’re emotionally unstable”
A borderline personality disorder can also be known as an emotionally unstable personality disorder as the emotions felt during BPD can be fluctuating. Unstable mood swings are a symptom of BPD so telling someone with BPD that they are emotionally unstable could be the wrong thing.
2. “Why can’t you hold on to a relationship?”
Because of frequent and unstable mood swings, people with borderline personality disorder often find it hard to hold on to a healthy, stable relationship. People struggling with BPD often need a lot of reassurance that, unfortunately, can lead to more arguments and disagreements in a relationship, ultimately leading to the inability to hold on to a healthy relationship.
3. “You don’t have to be angry all the time”
Holding in anger can be burdensome especially when someone is struggling with BPD. People with borderline personality disorder struggle a lot with anger management and impulse control. Their emotions are often ruled by anger and impulsivity. If your loved one has BPD, then you need to be supportive instead of confrontational.
4. “Get your act together!”
People with borderline personality disorder have their emotions displayed and exposed. They feel all emotions- good and bad – deeply. Often, others mistake this as overreaction or not having everything together, however, for someone with BPD it is an honest expression of what they are feeling.
5. “Why can’t you think about the consequences before spending all your money?”
Impulsivity is another symptom of borderline personality disorder that you can’t ignore. It’s not as if someone with BPD does not care about or think about the consequences of spending their money on impulse buying, it’s just that they do so after the action.
6. “Isn’t borderline personality disorder the same as bipolar disorder?”
Borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder are different diagnoses with different symptoms. Bipolar disorder causes mood swings but they last longer (weeks or months) and are less likely to be affected by external factors. In BPD, the mood swings are abrupt and frequent. However, in some cases, a bipolar and borderline personality disorder can be diagnosed in the same person.
7. “Stop being paranoid all the time”
Saying to someone with a borderline personality disorder that they are being paranoid can make them more paranoid. The best thing you can do to help your loved one with BPD paranoia is to reassure them and tell them how much you care about them. Be sensitive and supportive of their symptoms, not ignorant.
8. “You’re crazy”
Saying to someone with BPD that they are crazy is the worst possible thing. No one wants to hear this phrase when it comes to their mental health struggle. Never invalidate your loved one’s feelings. Someone with a borderline personality disorder is prone to feeling guilt, anxiety, and self-doubt but it’s not being crazy or egoistic.
9. “What caused your BPD?”
Asking or saying to someone with BPD what caused their disorder is one of the rudest phrases to say. Childhood abuse can be one of the causes of BPD so unless you know someone’s story, avoid using this phrase. Also, the causes of borderline personality disorder are still unclear so asking someone with BPD what caused their disorder can not only be rude but can also count as you being ignorant.
10. “You don’t have to tell others you have BPD”
There’s an intense stigma when it comes to borderline personality disorder but if you keep avoiding speaking about the disorder, the stigma will grow. These kinds of phrases also give birth to stereotypes which can be misleading. Avoid ignoring someone with borderline personality disorder and try to validate their feelings.
11. “It’s all in your head!”
It’s OK to talk about mental health disorders and saying “it’s all in your head” can be extremely patronizing to someone with a mental health disorder so avoid saying this to someone with a borderline personality disorder. Borderline personality disorder, along with other personality and mental health disorders, is real and not “in your head”.
12. “Try to be more positive”
Another one of the most patronizing phrases you can say to someone with BPD. Feeling positive can be helpful but for someone struggling with BPD, positivity can be almost impossible to find – even on the good days. The causes of BPD can be genetic, environmental, or a mix of both so telling someone with BPD to be positive can be counterproductive.
I hope these examples of what NOT to say to someone with borderline personality disorder help you take care during your next conversation with your loved one. For more, you can write to us at info@calmsage.com or DM us on social media.
If you or someone you know needs help, you can connect to these suicide prevention helplines or connect with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1800-273-8255, and the Trevor Project at 1866-488-7386.
Think we missed a phrase? Let us know in the comments below. Share this article with your friends and help them know what not to say to someone with BPD.
Take care!
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