Hadley Vlahos, a hospice registered nurse, author, and mom of three, recently answered questions concerning caregiving and end-of-life during Flow‘s Asking for a Friend series. When asked about the craziest thing a patient has ever said to her, Vlahos recalls an experience she had with a patient who was nearly 100 years old. “She was so sweet and a little bit hesitant for me to be in there, but I admitted her to hospice, and a couple of days later, I was sitting there charting and she said, ‘Okay, I have written my will. You can kill me now.’”
Needless to say, that’s not at all what Vlahos does as a hospice registered nurse. It’s understandable that a lot of people may not be familiar with what a hospice nurse does. Fortunately, Vlahos was able to provide more insight into her career. Read below for what she shared to learn more about hospice and patient care, caregiving, and how to best support the caregivers in your life.
What does it mean when someone has to go on hospice?
“When we have a patient come on hospice, that means that a doctor has said, that without any treatment, they have six months or less to live,” explains Vlahos. “I know that sounds very depressing, but our goal is to make sure they are as happy as possible in an environment most comfortable to them.”
How do you say goodbye to someone?
“I always tell people to say what you would during their funeral. I have sat in so many funerals where people say the most amazing and beautiful things about my patient and I think: I wish they were here these things and add to all of these memories. I want people to go in there and say their favorite memory or what they really loved and admired about that person.”
How do I best support a caregiver of someone on hospice?
“Caregiving is an incredibly stressful job at times and if you want to support your friend, I think that’s amazing. You can offer to sit with the patient so they can run errands, or drop by dinner – anything that takes tasks off their plate. What I would not advise to do is to send a text saying, ‘Hey, how can I help?’ This now puts something else on their plate of now having to assign you tasks.”
What is the best advice you have for someone who is losing someone?
“It is normal for grief to start, while someone is still here. We call it anticipatory grief. Know that grief is not a mountain you’re going to climb up and then it’s done with. You are going to grieve that person for the rest of your life, and I know that sounds a little bit depressing but I always say, our life grows around our grief.”
What’s the best way to talk to my kids about death?
“What I found to be best is using very frank terms and you have to say the words death and died. That can be difficult but it also depends on their ages. We can use analogies for the younger ones such as flowers dying and as they get a little bit older, the best thing to do if they have questions is to be open and honest.”
What do you think about the term care partner that Bruce Willis’s wife uses?
“I love that she said that. It is so important for people to use the terminology best for them, but I really like the term care partner. I consider myself a care partner and I love it when patients are able to participate in their care I really love the idea of putting what they want into patient’s hands and I think that’s what you do when you say the term care partner.”
What do you find people regret the most at the end of their lives?
“People regret whenever they live for other people and not themselves. A patient told me ‘Eat the cake.’ She basically meant that she wished she would have spent her life enjoying hanging out with her friends and going to the beach without caring what her stomach looked like and building relationships instead of worrying about her outward appearance.”
To learn more about caregiving and hospice care, watch the video above or read Vlahos’ book, The In-Between: Unforgettable Encounters During Life’s Final Moments.