Learning how to deal with a parents’ divorce is never easy. Whether you’re 10, 15, or 30 years old, your parents’ divorce is a seismic shift in life. Parental divorce can trigger a whirlwind of emotions, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. It’s normal to experience everything from grief to relief to anger to guilt in the midst of divorcing parents — and sometimes, it seems like you’re feeling all that at once. Navigating the changes you’re experiencing in the healthiest way possible will help you find closure and begin to move forward after parental separation.
Your path ahead might be confusing, and it’s almost certainly going to be complex as you’re forced to redefine the family dynamics and parent-child relationship you once knew. Getting to a place of acceptance is possible, but it means taking the time to recognize your emotions — we can help you through the parental divorce process.
Emotions You Might Feel After Your Parents’ Divorce
As you go through your parents’ divorce, you’ll likely feel a range of emotions that seem like they can change instantly. Acknowledging them is the foundation for your healing. Try to embrace the emotional response you’re having without judging yourself. Slowly, over time, and with the help and support of family, friends, and possibly a mental health professional, you’ll begin to adapt to your new normal and grow as you transition to a new family structure and parent-child relationship.
The effects of divorce on children have been widely studied. Research shows there’s a direct link between family structure and the health and well-being of a child. Common emotions you might feel during your parents’ divorce include:
Grief over the loss of the family unit you’ve always known
Anger toward the situation or at one or both of your divorcing parents
Sadness that stems from changes in daily life and family traditions (can lead to post-divorce depression)
Guilt or a fear of any personal responsibility
Anxiety about how things might look in the future
Relief if family life has been volatile or stressful
First Things First: Know It’s Not Your Fault
Regardless of the circumstances, the ending of your parents’ marriage is not your fault. It’s common for young children to shoulder guilt and blame themselves when parents divorce, but you need to understand that their marriage problems were beyond your control and influence.
If you’re feeling guilty or questioning what, if any, part you played in the time leading up to your parents’ divorce, you should seek out support. If you don’t have a trusted friend or family member to go to, consider talking to a therapist for divorce counseling.
“When we learn that our parents are separating, it’s a difficult pill to swallow. In some cases, it’s obvious that they aren’t happy; in other cases, it comes out of nowhere. It’s important to remember that the actions of our parents are not due to our presence. Regardless of age, we are autonomous, and responsibility for our actions lies with us. So, our actions are not the cause of a separation.”
– Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC
1. Navigate Your Emotions
Whatever you’re feeling, you need to learn to navigate those emotions healthily. Trying to stuff them down or avoid them only delays the inevitable — they will bubble back up at some point. Unresolved feelings don’t just go away on their own.
Recognizing and validating your feelings
Acknowledging the impact a divorce has on your emotional state is imperative for healing. You need to identify your feelings so you can accept and honor that they are valid.
Coping with confusion, anger, and sadness
Coping with difficult emotions like confusion, anger, or sadness isn’t an easy task. Not only are you grieving the loss of your family unit, but you’re probably experiencing fierce and rapidly changing emotions along the way.
Try engaging in things known to foster emotional release — journaling for your mental health, meditation, creative outlets like art or music — these all offer time and space for personal expression that might distract you for a short time and offer you some sense of peace.
2. Adjust to Life Changes
Adapting to your new life and establishing family dynamic stability can be challenging — whether this means new living arrangements or only seeing your parents on certain days of the week.
Dealing with new living arrangements
Creating a new routine can be beneficial if you’re going back and forth to different homes or trying to adjust to a parent moving out of the family home. Routines symbolize stability and offer comfort, especially during uncertain times full of change.
Maintaining relationships with both parents
Maintaining family relationships with both parents will be easier if all parties are invested in the effort. While you have little control over how your parents behave, regular and consistent contact — through scheduled visits, phone or video calls, or texts — can help preserve the vital parent-child connection.
3. Communicate Effectively During the Divorce
Clear communication is critical — it can help you manage and process your complex emotions. Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to express what you’re feeling.
How to talk to your parents about the divorce
When you have conversations about the divorce, it’s best if everyone remains focused and calm. Though it can be difficult, try your hardest to be open with your feelings, concerns, and questions as you talk to your parents.
Seeking support from friends and family
If you don’t feel like you can open up to your parents, lean on family or friends who understand what you’re going through. They can be a vital support system and offer you a fresh perspective and emotional support.
4. Take Care of Yourself
Anytime you’re grieving a loss — which divorce is — practicing self care and prioritizing your own needs can help ensure your body and mind stay healthy — it can also help you work through the grieving process.
Importance of self-care and healthy habits
Self care is essential for your physical and emotional well-being. It can include:
Healthy habits like eating well
Getting enough sleep
Working out
Taking time for yourself
Engaging in stress-relieving activities
Activities like mindfulness meditation or yoga can offer an escape from the stress you might be feeling. Spending time doing things you enjoy or are interested in is great for stress relief — you might even find yourself smiling again at some point.
Setting boundaries
5. Prepare for the Future
Regardless of how smoothly a divorce goes, at some point, you have to accept that things are inevitably going to change. There’s no getting around the fact that change can be challenging, but mentally preparing for it can help ease the burden.
Handling changes in family dynamics
Your parents’ divorce will transform your family dynamics. Try to remain patient and be flexible throughout the process. This may sound like a tall order, but a calm approach will ultimately serve you as much as it does your parents.
Embracing new beginnings and opportunities
New beginnings can bring new opportunities. You don’t have to be happy about your parents getting a divorce, but if you can, try to look for any chance it might offer you to grow or become independent. Some people find embracing change easier when they set goals, explore new interests, or just keep busy.
6. Seek Professional Help
It’s okay if you feel stuck and need help — in fact, it’s normal. You might struggle to let go of anger and resentment, which would be perfectly understandable. Seeking professional help is brave and can be hugely beneficial.
You should consider talking to a therapist if you feel overwhelmed or if daily functioning becomes too difficult to manage. Therapy can provide insights about your experience and offer you coping tools and strategies to manage the big feelings you might be having. It can also be a safe place to open up without worrying about how your parents will react to what you’re sharing.
“Emotions are intense during the process of divorce. It’s helpful to have a place or person that will allow you complete autonomy and open regard for your emotions and thoughts. Having a support system with your friends and family is important, but sometimes, more help is needed. Therapy allows you to find the proper tools to help navigate the divorce process that includes building boundaries with parents.”
– Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC
Find Support Through Your Parents’ Divorce with Talkspace
Struggling with divorce is normal — getting through it is about more than just coping. It means growing and learning to thrive, even during the most challenging circumstances. If you feel like you can’t get through this alone, help is out there. Talkspace is an online therapy platform that gives you easy and convenient access to licensed therapists who are trained and skilled in helping people navigate challenging family dynamics.
Talkspace therapists understand how hard divorce is, and that the experience is different for everyone. They can offer you personalized strategies to get through your unique situation.
Reach out to Talkspace today to learn more about how to cope with your parents’ divorce.
Sources:
Anderson J. The impact of family structure on the health of children: Effects of divorce. The Linacre Quarterly. 2014;81(4):378-387. doi:10.1179/0024363914z.00000000087. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4240051/. Accessed January 28, 2024.
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