The term “gray divorce” was coined to describe the growing trend of older couples ending their marriage. While research suggests that overall divorce rates have gone down in recent years, studies also show that one age group — adults 65 years and older — has increasing rates of divorce. Today, nearly 36% of adults in the United States who divorce are older than 50.
Divorcing during the golden years brings unique challenges that can be emotionally devastating and socially isolating. Gray divorces can also be financially complex and take a toll on mental health with feelings of grief, loss, and anxiety about the future.
To successfully navigate a gray divorce, you need to learn how to holistically manage the impact your divorce will have on yourself and your family. Finding a healthy path forward is possible, and it will allow you to rebuild and thrive during this pivotal time in your life.
Read on to learn more about common signs of gray divorce, how to navigate the emotional and psychological impact of the gray divorce phenomenon, and how to cope and recover.
Common Causes of a Gray Divorce
There are several reasons why divorce in your 60s and beyond might become a reality. The dynamics of any marriage are constantly shifting. Later-in-life divorces between an older couple often stem from complex, deeply personal reasons.
Whether driven by financial, emotional, or lifestyle factors, knowing the signs of a gray divorce and how problems in a marriage can lead to its demise — even after years or decades of sharing your life — might help you and your partner decide on the next best move for everyone concerned.
Growing apart
Over time, you and your partner might grow apart. The children have grown into adults and left, and financial or career pressure may be lessening. Suddenly, many couples realize they have little in common anymore.
Empty nest syndrome
Finances
Money disagreements are always a threat to marriage. Research suggests up to 50% of couples cite financial struggles as a contributing factor in their divorce.
Even if the fight isn’t over lack of money, it can still be a significant source of contention between spouses. Differing views on how to spend money in retirement, how much savings you’ll need to support your lifestyle, and how to manage retirement assets, accounts, and funds can all cause severe strain on a marriage.
Infidelity
New, stronger need for independence
With age can come a new — or renewed — desire for independence and growth. For some people, seeking new experiences or relationships becomes more important in the later stages of life, with or without spousal support. That can be difficult if a marriage feels stifling or overbearing, and the quest for self-discovery or autonomy can be too a driving factor in some older couples’ decisions to divorce.
Health issues
As health issues become more complex and severe with age, they can become taxing on a marriage. Some couples will indeed grow closer in times of adversity, but for others, the experience can be more than their marriage can handle.
Lifestyle changes after retirement
Retirement brings lifestyle changes that can impact any marriage. Couples who’ve had separate careers and routines for years might struggle to adjust when they suddenly have so much time to spend together. Some may even find themselves retired and lonely despite being with their partner. The resulting conflict might lead to divorce, especially if the post-retirement vision differs regarding things like travel, living arrangements, or time and money spent.
Unresolved conflict
Long-standing, unresolved conflicts or resentments can begin to deeply divide partners. This might be due to one or both parties feeling a sense that “time is running out,” which can be common during the later years of life. Issues that were once tolerable or manageable might begin to feel insufferable.
Navigating the Emotional & Psychological Impact
Divorce is rarely something that would be deemed “easy.” It’s often an emotional challenge, regardless of the age or length of a marriage — but the toll it takes during a gray divorce can be even more intense.
Loneliness: This major life change can cause feelings of loneliness and deep isolation, as social circles that have been shared for decades are no longer a source of support for one of the parties.
Grief: A divorce later in life can cause grief that stems from both the reality of the marriage ending and the loss of plans and the history you have with your partner.
Anxiety: The uncertainty of trying to navigate life on your own after years of having a partner can bring about severe anxiety. There might be worries about money, financial stability, living arrangements, finding a new companion — the list is endless.
Prioritizing self-care during this difficult time is essential. Nurturing your physical and emotional well-being as you navigate a divorce can help you manage your feelings and pave a healthy way to personal growth. Therapy, support groups, and simply doing things you enjoy are all effective ways to practice self-care and survive your divorce.
“The most common emotional responses to gray divorce (divorce occurring after age 50) include feelings of grief, loneliness, and anxiety about the future. Initial coping strategies include seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist. Engaging in self-care activities, joining support groups, and focusing on hobbies helps decrease stress. All this helps to gradually build a new routine to establish a sense of stability.”
– Talkspace therapist, Bisma Anwar, LPC, LMHC
Coping with Changes in Daily Routine
Adjusting to new daily life and routines can be one of the most challenging parts of a gray divorce. Living alone after being in a long-term partnership can be lonely, and trying to find a new rhythm, where tasks and responsibilities are now the sole responsibility and fall on one person, can be overwhelming.
Rebuilding Social Connections & Family Dynamics
One of the most challenging parts of surviving a big divorce is rebuilding social connections and navigating the changes in your family dynamics. The disillusion of a marriage can disrupt established social circles when friends aren’t sure how to interact with both parties. Families with adult children may become strained as the kids try to process the divorce and come to terms with their new family structure.
“Joining support groups or participating in community activities tailored for older adults provides social connection, emotional support, and a sense of belonging. These groups offer a safe space to share experiences and feelings with others who understand similar challenges. They can also help reduce feelings of isolation, improve mental health, and build new friendships.”
– Talkspace therapist, Bisma Anwar, LPC, LMHC
Managing Financial Changes
With retirement quickly approaching or already underway, dividing assets, pensions, and savings is daunting. You might have to downsize your home or reassess your budget to maintain financial stability. With financial planning, though, and possibly the assistance of a financial advisor, you can try to figure out how to sustain your lifestyle and needs.
Prioritizing Self-Care and Wellness
Although there are emotional and logistical challenges when you divorce later in life, prioritizing self-care will help you maintain your physical and mental health. Exercise, eat a balanced diet, and make sure you’re sleeping enough. These are foundational acts of self-care for seniors that will help you remain strong and survive this daunting time.
Seeking Professional Help
Don’t be ashamed or hesitant to seek professional help as you deal with the complexities of a gray divorce. Your situation may require more than just the support of friends and family.
Therapists offer you valuable guidance and help you work through the emotional pain you’re dealing with. In therapy, you’ll learn coping strategies tailored to your exact situation, so whether you’re dealing with grief, anxiety, anger, sadness, or stress, you can process your feelings in healthy ways and move forward toward becoming the best version of yourself, with or without a spouse.
Talkspace is an online therapy platform that can help you rebuild self-esteem, set new goals, and find meaning in this new, very different chapter of your life.
Embracing a New Chapter
Even if everything in your world is changing and there are too many signs of a gray divorce to ignore, it might help to look at this period in your life as a time when new, exciting things are possible. The strategies you’ve learned here, and seeking support when needed, are the best ways to get through your divorce.
Using resources available to you will provide you with the support you need to cope and heal. If you’re considering seeking therapy, remember that Talkspace makes the process simple, accessible, and convenient. Talkspace offers online therapy covered by Medicare and many other major insurance providers, so if you’re concerned about the cost, rest assured — you have support there, too.
Wondering if divorce is your only option? You may be able to save your marriage with help from a professional, too. Online couples therapy can be instrumental in helping you mediate the process or possibly avoid divorce altogether.
Sources:
Cohen PN. The coming divorce decline. Socius Sociological Research for a Dynamic World. 2019;5:237802311987349. doi:10.1177/2378023119873497. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/2378023119873497. Accessed August 20, 2024.
Brown SL, Lin IF. The Graying of Divorce: A Half century of change. The Journals of Gerontology Series B. 2022;77(9):1710-1720. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbac057. https://academic.oup.com/psychsocgerontology/article/77/9/1710/6564346?login=false. Accessed August 20, 2024.
Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ. Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education. Couple and Family Psychology Research and Practice. 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/. Accessed September 26, 2024.
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