Understanding & Dealing with Separation Anxiety in Relationships

Read on to learn more about what separation anxiety from a partner​ looks like, what causes it, and, most importantly, how you can deal with it. It might be difficult, but you can learn how to deal with separation anxiety in relationships​.

What is Separation Anxiety in Relationships?

Anyone, at any age, can experience separation anxiety. It’s possible in any relationship — from platonic friendships to familial relationships to romantic partnerships. When separation anxiety exists, the fear you experience when you’re not with your partner can be terrifying. 

Signs of separation anxiety

Separation anxiety can manifest in romantic relationships in several ways. Whether it’s you or your partner who gets anxious when you’re not together, separation anxiety can cause distress for both of you. Being able to recognize the signs will help you address any issues that might be contributing to the anxiety, ultimately fostering a healthier, stronger connection and relationship.

Common signs of separation anxiety include:

“We’ve all experienced missing a loved one when they’re away, but separation anxiety is more than that—it involves intense fear and distress tied to being apart. This anxiety can be so overwhelming that it disrupts daily life, making routine tasks and responsibilities feel unmanageable due to constant worry about the separation.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

Where Does Separation Anxiety in Relationships Stem From?

Multiple factors and experiences can contribute to relationship separation anxiety developing. It often has to do with past events and early life experiences, but sometimes, the anxiety stems from an underlying mental health condition.

Attachment styles & early life experiences

Attachment styles are developed during childhood. They’re based on how primary caregivers showed love and responded to your emotional needs while you were growing up. Your specific attachment style and childhood experiences can influence whether or not you end up with separation anxiety as an adult. 

Anxious attachment style

People with an anxious attachment style have a heightened fear of abandonment. They often experience an intense need for reassurance in their relationships. That need develops from early experiences when a caregiver wasn’t consistently providing love and support — they may have been responsive and loving sometimes, but distant and neglectful at other times. This type of unpredictability can cause some people to have deep insecurities about whether love and support will always be present in adult relationships.

Childhood experiences

Early traumatic life experiences can play a major role in the emotional responses someone has in adult relationships. For example, caregivers who are emotionally unavailable or inconsistent can cause a fear of abandonment. Childhood trauma — like abuse, neglect, or parental divorce — can also make it challenging to trust that future relationships will be stable and secure. Overprotective or overly enmeshed family dynamics can make it feel unsafe to seek independence, ultimately fostering an unhealthy dependence on romantic partners later in life. 

Previous relationship trauma & insecurities

Whenever there’s betrayal, abuse, abandonment, or emotional neglect in a relationship, it can cause deep, lasting wounds that contribute to separation anxiety in adults. If you don’t acknowledge and adequately heal from past harmful relationships, it can be easy to carry that trauma into future relationships. 

Examples of how previous relationships can lead to separation anxiety: 

• Painful, sudden, or unexpected breakups can cause fear that future partners will also leave.
• Infidelity or dishonesty can result in heightened vigilance, a fear of deception, a constant need for reassurance, and overthinking in a relationship.
• Emotionally unavailable or distant partners might create patterns of overattachment, so distance feels threatening. 

“When working with a client that has symptoms of separation anxiety, I would like for them to understand where the intrusive thoughts stem from. Our experiences are always revealing deeper truths that we need to learn from in order to grow and move forward.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

Underlying mental health conditions

In some cases, separation anxiety from a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse can be related to one or more underlying mental health conditions. Some conditions can amplify emotional stress and fears of abandonment or rejection in a relationship. 

These may include:

• Anxiety disorders: Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and social anxiety disorder can include a fear of losing someone or being alone, which can make being separated painful.
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): PTSD can cause anxiety when you’re separated from a loved one.
• Low self-esteem: If you struggle with low self-worth, you might feel undeserving of love. This can result in clinginess and difficulty believing your partner will stay committed. These worries can be exacerbated if you’re not together. 

How to Deal with Separation Anxiety in Relationships

To effectively deal with separation anxiety in a relationship, you need to find self-awareness. You also need to focus on your communication patterns and personal growth. Once you develop a healthy sense of independence, you can create boundaries and work on your fears. Only then will you be able to maintain a secure, fulfilling, healthy connection with your partner. 

Strengthen your sense of independence

A strong sense of independence outside your relationship can help you overcome separation anxiety. The more confident you are in being alone, the less scary it’ll be when you must be separated from your partner. 

To gain emotional stability and reduce your dependency on your partner, you can try:

• Engaging in solo activities
• Pursuing personal interests
• Spending time with friends or family  
• Setting personal goals
• Traveling on your own
• Practicing self-care
• Making decisions by yourself
• Challenging negative self-talk

Establish healthy communication patterns

If you know you’re going to be separated, agree on expectations and boundaries for communication. Determining when, how, and how often you’ll connect will create a sense of stability, so you’re not anxious about being apart. 

Set boundaries without creating distance

Work on developing a secure attachment 

“One helpful exercise is recognizing that you may have been drawn to the person because they had qualities you felt you lacked. Instead of developing those traits within yourself, you formed an attachment to them.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

Create rituals and routines for reassurance

Small but meaningful rituals can offer comfort when you’re separated. For example, you might agree to send a good-morning text, have a shared goodbye routine, or plan future dates so you have something to look forward to. Habits like these can reinforce a strong emotional connection that helps you endure times of separation.

Challenge negative thought patterns

Negative thought patterns are often fueled by irrational fears. For example, you might convince yourself that your partner is abandoning you or that they’re emotionally unavailable when in reality, they’re just on a business trip or visiting a friend. You must learn to recognize the patterns you’ve developed regarding irrational or harmful thought patterns. 

When you challenge your thoughts using logical reasoning and cognitive techniques, you can see the difference between anxiety-fueled thought patterns and reality. 

Effective ways to challenge negative thoughts include asking yourself things like:

• What evidence do I have that this is true?
• Who told me that? 
• What’s the worst-case scenario if this is true?
• What would I say to my friends if they were thinking these things?
• How likely is this to actually be true?
• What happened the last time I thought this?

Practice mindfulness and emotional regulation

Mindfulness and meditation are powerful ways to gain emotional regulation and overcome anxiety. The next time you’re anxious about your partner being gone, try the following techniques to calm yourself down. Eventually, you will learn to sit with the discomfort instead of allowing it to make you spiral. 

Seek professional support

Consider therapy options like:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helps you recognize and reframe anxious thoughts while developing practical coping strategies.
• Individual Therapy: Provides a safe space to explore insecurities, past traumas, or attachment issues that may be fueling your anxiety.
• Relationship Counseling: Helps couples build trust, improve communication, and create healthier relationship dynamics.

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