Why do marriages fail? Just ask the divorce attorneys, financial planners, and therapists who see it happen every day. These are the people untangling years of resentment, silence, and secrecy — after the damage is done. But what if couples could learn early in their relationship? We asked the team of divorce experts at My Next Chapter, a divorce support platform, to share the relationship mistakes they see again and again — and the practical fixes they wish more people would embrace earlier.
These aren’t romantic ideals seen through rose-colored glasses. They are strategies learned after legal filings, frozen bank accounts, and year-long custody negotiations. Here are the five most powerful — and valuable — lessons:
Talk About Money Early — and Often
One of the most common — and preventable — reasons behind divorce is financial secrecy. Jamie Lima, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, says he regularly meets people who have no idea how much their partner earns, spends, or owes. Over time, a financial knowledge gap — even an accidental one — can quietly tip the balance of control and trust between partners.
But the fix isn’t complicated. Many marriages can be saved, or at least steadied, if couples normalize regular, judgment-free money check-ins. Lima says knowing where the money is, what the debts are, and what the financial goals of each person are isn’t just smart, it’s essential. When couples treat financial transparency as a shared responsibility rather than a sensitive topic, they eliminate one of the most corrosive sources of resentment.
Nicki, 46, discovered this firsthand — ironically, by preparing for a divorce. “I reached out to a divorce attorney because I felt like my marriage was suffering under the weight of unspoken financial tension,” she shared. “They gave me a ‘divorce prep’ checklist to start gathering information — but instead, I used it to finally have a real conversation with my husband. It gave me the clarity to talk about our money without blame, which helped us understand each other and reset a bit.”
Define Roles Clearly — Even When It’s Awkward
Marriages don’t just collapse from conflict — they often unravel from things that aren’t said. Couples rarely have explicit conversations about how they’ll make major decisions, how their roles might evolve, or how they’ll share power in the relationship. Instead, they assume being “on the same page” means not needing to spell things out. But when those assumptions collide with real-life stress — new babies, job losses, aging parents — unspoken expectations turn into battles.
Renee Bauer, a Connecticut divorce attorney, says many of the fights she sees could have been avoided with some early, honest conversations about frameworks for decision-making. Talking about things like parenting, boundaries with in-laws, holidays, and even chores may feel overly formal, but skipping those conversations is what leads to conflict later.
Make Intimacy a Habit
Couples don’t usually end up in divorce court because of one giant betrayal. In fact, a deficiency in emotional or physical closeness is the leading cause of divorce among long-term couples. According to licensed clinical psychologist Marianna Strongin, intimacy at its core is the ability to undress — both physically and emotionally — with your partner.
“Many couples carry shame about the lack of intimacy in their relationship or about how easily the demands of daily life have taken priority over connection,” says Strongin. Her advice is simple: Talk about it. Speak openly about what you miss, what you long for, and what you hope to rebuild. The conversation is often the real beginning of intimacy.
Face the Conflict, Do the Repair
Couples don’t fall apart because they fight — they often fall apart because they never learned how to make up in ways that restore safety and trust. Strongin says that fights are essential in all relationships, but many people react with defensiveness and contempt. “In essence, they don’t know how to argue effectively,” she says. And in the aftermath of unresolved conflict, silence hardens into distance.
Strongin suggests one rule of thumb: Every argument should bring either clarity or closeness. If couples don’t focus on resolving or repairing a conflict, this is often the beginning of a slow burn to an ending.
Pay Attention Before the End Begins
According to Bauer, by the time she’s called, the window of repair has often closed — and it’s not because of a single problem. Marriages erode from neglect — small, daily dismissals or disconnections that go unchecked for years. Bauer’s clients describe how they “stopped talking” or got “too busy.” She says most divorces don’t begin with betrayal. They begin with inattention, which can lead to contempt. Research has shown that contempt is the strongest predictor of a breakup. It erodes the foundation of a relationship by replacing respect with judgment. “The antidote to contempt is admiration,” says Strongin. “Admiration, when practiced regularly, can rebuild connection and shift the tone of a relationship.”
This shift — from resentment to recognition — was exactly what turned things around for David, 37. “We were barely speaking, and I thought we were just too far gone,” he said. “But therapy helped me realize I hadn’t been noticing my wife at all. When I started thanking her for small things, it was like something in her softened overnight. We’re still not perfect, but now we’re more present.”
These lessons aren’t about being perfect. They’re about being proactive. You don’t have to wait until the divorce filing to see your marriage clearly. The experts already do. The good news? You can use their hindsight as your foresight. You don’t have to wait for things to break to start fixing them.
Tamara Frankfort Odinec is the founder and CEO of My Next Chapter, an expert-led content and community platform that empowers people navigating every stage of divorce. Tamara has had a successful career building tech-oriented products that inspire people in new ways. She lives in New York with her three children and is happily divorced.
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