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Why are we so fascinated by open relationships? I’ve been writing about them for the last two years, venturing down Reddit rabbit holes, wading through Instagram comment sections, and talking with experts and open relationship veterans who describe both the incredible highs and devastating lows that can come with this on-the-rise but still not-quite-mainstream relationship style. One thing I can tell you for sure: observers love to see an open relationship fail.
It’s a classic case of schadenfreude, or maybe the shameful satisfaction we get when someone who dares to defy societal norms gets a harsh reality check. Whatever the reason, forums are filled with commenters shaking their heads over “yet another” open relationship gone wrong. There are the stereotypical storylines: husbands who want “permission” to cheat, only to find that their wives are more popular on the dating scene. One person falling a little too hard for their new partner; one half of a couple breaking the rules of their open relationship; one partner wanting to open their relationship as an excuse to cheat.
The peanut gallery loves to throw stones and rehash storylines, but the reality of why open relationships fail (and reminder: not all of them do) is much more complex. Often, it’s less about sleeping with other people and about not investing enough in the primary relationship to begin with.
Why Do Open Relationships Fail?
It’s no secret that open relationships can fail for many of the same reasons monogamous relationships do: “poor communication, lack of trust, bad conflict management skills,” explains Jasmonae Joyriel, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist at Ignite Anew. But there are specific ways those issues can lead to problems in an open relationship versus a monogamous one — and some reasons that are particular to open relationships to begin with.
One partner isn’t fully on board. “The biggest pitfall I see is moving too fast,” Joyriel says. This means opening up a relationship before both partners are ready to do so. Working through those first insecurities, creating boundaries, figuring out how to check in with each other — all of that takes time to set up, she says. It’s also not a decision you should make under pressure from your partner. “Before agreeing to an open relationship, be fully honest with yourself if it’s something you want, or something you feel like you need to agree to to appease your partner,” says Laurel van der Toorn, LMFT, clinical director at Laurel Therapy Collective. “If it’s the latter, the open relationship is likely to cause more harm than good.”
You don’t have clear, realistic boundaries. Boundaries are a must in any relationship, but especially one that’s open to other partners. “The most common mistake I see with couples is to have ambiguous or vague expectations about boundaries, transparency, or emotional intimacy,” says Lisa Chen, LMFT. “They jump into an open relationship, but often, it turns out that they weren’t on the same page.”
Your communication is lacking. Good communication is also crucial across relationship types. Open relationships in particular “require strong emotional regulation, honesty, repair skills, and genuine trust,” Chen says. “When one partner is going beyond what feels authentic to them, the arrangement collapses.”
Your (or your partner) are cheating. Yes, cheating can happen in open relationships, depending on the boundaries you and your partner have in place. “Just because a relationship is open doesn’t mean it’s immune to infidelity,” van der Toorn confirms. “It’s vitally important to have clear, mutual understanding about the boundaries of your relationship when you are engaging with other partners. Is the openness purely sexual? What if one of you starts developing romantic feelings, or confiding in another party?” Failing to act in accordance with the boundaries you’ve set “can be devastating,” Joyriel adds — especially if this relationship structure is newer for you, and especially if the unfaithful behavior becomes a pattern.
You’re avoiding your emotions. Open relationships aren’t an excuse to shy away from harder conversations. “Some well-intentioned people may use open relationships or polyamory as a barrier to actually getting close and vulnerable,” van der Toorn says. “Vulnerability and openness are critical ingredients for a satisfactory relationship, no matter the structure.”
You’re opening the relationship to cover up deeper issues. Similarly, opening your relationship for the sole reason of trying to save it isn’t a good idea. Whatever issues you’re having in a closed relationship aren’t going to go away when you open it up. “If a couple is already having issues with communication, resentment, or desire discrepancy, opening their relationship often amplifies the cracks instead of fixing them,” Chen explains. “Open relationships aren’t meant to save a failing relationship.”
You’re fatigued. From a practical standpoint, you only have so much time and energy in a day. “Feeling fatigued by one or more of the relationships” can be a real reason why open relationships don’t work out, Joyriel notes. On a similar note, if you don’t have synergy between all your relationships and partners — various partners aligning on expectations and boundaries, for example — keeping your open relationship going will be tough and taxing.
3 Tips to Make an Open Relationship Work
All that said, open relationships can and do work out for people. Of course, there’s no hard-and-fast rule (or set of rules) to ensure one does, but the experts we talked to offered a few concrete tips to point you in the right direction.
Have regular check-ins. Have we mentioned how important communication is? Open relationships, Chen says, require ” a lot of planning, communication, and trust between the two partners,” because they can trigger “attachment wounds and insecurities. If partners can be absolutely clear about their needs and communicate clearly, the structure can work.” Joyriel recommends checking in regularly and adjusting your relationship’s boundaries and expectations as needed. “Just like in other areas of a relationship, we evolve,” she explains. “Partners need space to reflect on what works well and where there may need to be change. Agreements made are like a living document that may need amending from time to time. That’s totally okay.” Bottom line: you’ll need to discuss issues as they arise and stay in tune with what you want.
Set clear boundaries. Open relationships aren’t about simply seeing whoever you want, whenever you want, says Kristen Mosier, LMFT. “Successful open relationships have clear boundaries established before inviting others in.” Will you just be having sex with other people, or is it OK if emotions are involved? Do you and your partner want the details of each other’s dates, or will you keep it to yourself? You’ll want to be clear on your expectations within the relationship and make sure your partner is aligned.
Try therapy — couples or individual. If you’re looking for help, Mosier says therapy can be a good place to talk through those boundaries. “Sometimes this requires working through disagreements or differences in what’s desired to negotiate mutually beneficial parameters,” she notes. If you’re struggling more with your attachment style and having insecurities or jealousy, Mosier recommends individual therapy “so that the struggling partner can work through the feeling coming up and decide what they are comfortable with moving forward.”
As an example of an open relationship that works, we’ll point to Molly Roden Winter. The New York Times-bestselling author of More has shared a lot about her open relationship over the years, but one of our biggest takeaways is the way she and her husband remain flexible to their changing needs and desires. After starting out with several “rules,” including not falling in love with anyone else, Winter says they now just have one: they support each other emotionally through every decision they make.
“We have complete freedom to live our lives however we want to live them,” Winter tells SheKnows, “but we honor each other in terms of our emotional care for each other. So if I make a choice, and it impacts my husband and upsets him, that doesn’t mean I made the wrong choice, or I have to change what I’m doing, but part of my job as his wife is to help take care of him around that.” That might mean simply listening with an open mind, being kind and loving, or perhaps modifying her behavior so that it works for both of them.
Every relationship is distinct and operates under its own rules and expectations, and open relationships are no exception. It’s just about finding what works for you and your partner and committing to each other through that. “There are many versions of what ‘open’ means, from permission to flirt to weekend passes to ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ to polyamory,” Joyriel agrees, calling it a “highly customized” way to have a relationship. “Open relationships can be healthy and satisfying for many couples,” she says — with a healthy dose of communication, trust, and vulnerability on the side.