As parents, we like to think we’ve got this whole “supporting our teens” thing down. We’re there for them, we listen, we care — but what if your teen’s secretly thinking, “Yeah, not so much”? A recent study in National Health Statistics Reports sheds light on a surprising disconnect between what we parents think we’re doing and how our teens actually feel. Turns out, we might need to level up our game in the support department!
The Reality Check
The study found that while 58.5 percent of teenagers reported always or usually receiving the social and emotional support they needed, a significant gap exists between what teens feel and what parents think. Parents consistently rated the support they provided as higher than what their teens reported receiving. This discrepancy is more than just a communication gap — it’s a sign that teens may feel more alone than their parents realize.
What’s even more striking is that the teens who reported “always” or “usually” receiving support were significantly less likely to experience poor or fair health, anxiety or depression symptoms, very low life satisfaction, and poor sleep quality. This isn’t just about emotional well-being; it’s about overall health. When teens don’t feel supported, it impacts their mental, emotional, and physical health in deep ways.
Understanding the Teenage Mind
Contrary to what some might think, teens these days don’t exactly have it easy. That couldn’t be further from reality! From figuring out who they are and where they fit in the world to navigating the ever-twisting maze of social media and social circles, it’s no walk in the park. This period of life comes with heightened emotions, stress, and the relentless pressure to be a superstar both in the classroom and on the social scene.
While parents may see their teens as still being “children,” teens are beginning to view themselves as soon-to-be, almost adults who crave more freedom and respect. And let’s be honest, this shift often leads to some massive misunderstandings. For example, a parent might think they’re doing great by offering advice or setting rules, but the teen might interpret this as being too bossy, controlling, or dismissive of their feelings. The parent might believe that attending their teen’s events, helping with homework, and making sure their kid has all the basics covered is enough, but the teen might feel that emotional needs are being overlooked.
One of the big reasons for the disconnect between parents and teens? Communication styles are like night and day! Teens are masters of the indirect approach — they might express themselves more through actions than words. So, instead of saying, “I need you,” they might withdraw, get a bit grumpy, or even act out when they’re feeling unsupported. On the other hand, parents might be waiting for a clear expression of need before stepping in, not realizing that their teen’s behavior is a cry for help.
5 Ways to Bridge the Support Gap
Wondering how to make sure your teen actually feels the love and support you’re trying to give? Here are five ways to help you get on the same page with your teen:
Listen More, Talk Less: Sometimes, teens just need someone to listen without jumping in with solutions. Create a judgment-free zone where your teen feels they can share openly, knowing you won’t immediately respond with advice. Practice active listening — nodding, paraphrasing what they’ve said, and throwing in some open-ended questions to keep the conversation flowing. It’s all about letting them get it all out; no interruptions are needed!
This can be very challenging, especially when your instincts as a parent tell you to fix things for your teen. However, teens are at a stage where they’re learning to solve problems on their own, and sometimes, they just need to vent or explore their thoughts without being interrupted. By giving them this space, you’re showing that you respect their ability to think for themselves, come up with their own solutions, and trust them to come to you when they’re ready for advice.
Validate Their Feelings: It’s easy to dismiss teen emotions as “just a phase,” but to your teen, their feelings are real and significant. Acknowledging and validating their experiences can go a long way. Instead of saying, “Don’t worry about it,” try, “I can see why that would be really tough for you.”
But be careful; validation doesn’t mean you must agree with everything your teen says or does. It means acknowledging that their feelings are totally legitimate. Teens need to know that it’s okay to feel all the feelings and that they are just part of the human experience. By validating them, you’re helping them build emotional intelligence and resilience.
Assumptions in Check: Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you know how exactly your teen feels or what they need just because “you’ve been there, done that.” Newsflash: every teen is a unique mix, and their world is lightyears away from what it was when you were their age. Instead of guessing, just ask them directly what kind of support they need — you might be in for a surprise!
Just because something worked for you back in the day doesn’t mean it’s a one-size-fits-all solution for your teen. With social media, memes, and viral trends, today’s teens are navigating challenges that didn’t even exist when you were their age. So, instead of assuming you know best, by being open to their feedback, you’re showing them that you respect their individuality and are willing to adapt your parenting to meet their unique needs.
Be Really Present: Quality time is great, but the quality of your presence is where the magic really happens! So, hit pause on the phone, power down the TV, and give your teen your undivided attention when they’re talking to you. This shows them that they are a priority and that you’re genuinely interested in their lives. But being fully present with your teen is about more than just spending time together; it’s about being mentally and emotionally available. Maybe it’s setting aside a few minutes each day to catch up, just the two of you, no distractions allowed, or being more mindful when you’re together. When your teen knows they have your full attention, they’re more likely to open up and share what’s really going on in their lives.
Encourage Independence: Teens need space to grow, but they also need to know you’re there for them. Encourage them to take on challenges and make decisions while reminding them that you’re always available to support them if they need it. Balance is key — be a safety net, not a helicopter.
Encouraging independence doesn’t mean stepping back completely. This might involve allowing them to take more responsibility at home, make decisions about their education or hobbies, or manage their own schedule. The key is to strike a balance between giving them the freedom to grow and ensuring they know you’re there to catch them if they fall.
The teen years are challenging for both teens and parents, but they’re also a crucial time for building lasting bonds of trust and support. By making a few simple tweaks in how you interact with your teen, you can close the gap between the support you think you’re giving and the support your teen is actually feeling. And hey, don’t stress about being the perfect parent — it’s about being present, engaged, and letting your teen know you’ve got their back, no matter what life throws at you both.
So, next time you’re hanging out with your teen, ask yourself, “Am I giving them the kind of support they really need?” You might find that a little extra effort makes all the difference — and maybe even score you some extra cool parent points along the way!
Welcome to Family Reset, a monthly column and must-go destination for all parents seeking guidance (and grasping for some sanity) in the wild adventure of raising children. Behind this compelling and candid read is New York psychotherapist, writer, editor, and “mommyyy” Zuania Capó, (or just call her Z), a compassionate, multicultural, and integrative therapist passionate about supporting families to thrive and connect. Armed with a touch of wisdom, insightful tips, a witty spirit, tons of honesty, and a sprinkle of humor, she is here to help you navigate the complexities of parenthood while prioritizing your well-being.
Family Reset is not just a source of advice; it’s a vibrant community where parents can find inspiration, share their stories, and realize they are not alone in the exhilarating roller coaster ride of parenting. Have questions? Want answers? Get ready to hit that reset button and connect with Z at zcmentalhealth@zuaniacapo.com.