Dealing with Grief During the Holidays

Why the Holidays Can Intensify Grief

For some, the holidays intensify emotions associated with loss. Revisiting memories and traditions brings your loved one’s absence into sharp focus. Even just walking into a decorated room or hearing a song that brings back memories can create a stark contrast between the holiday joy you’re supposed to feel and the inner pain you’re trying to manage.

You might feel pressured by family, friends, and even social media to be more engaged and happier. Expectations to be cheerful and embrace the season can leave you feeling misunderstood and isolated by loved ones. Traditions that once felt comforting may now be a painful reminder that someone is missing. It’s easy to feel left out or resentful and to wonder how the world moved on without you. If grief and the holidays feel too complicated to get through on your own, there are steps you can take and tools you can use to get through the season.

Navigating the Feelings You May Be Experiencing

The first and most important thing to remember is that it’s okay to have feelings about your loved one not being there. It’s also essential to understand that there’s no one “right” way to feel. Emotions come and go, and you may feel sadness one moment and guilt the next. Every feeling you have is valid.

Sadness and longing

It’s normal to miss your loved one during the holidays. It’s a natural part of the grieving process. You might replay memories from the past, long for one more conversation, or feel a general sense of emptiness. The emotional pain can be extreme, and the holidays can intensify any feelings of longing and nostalgia.

Guilt or conflict

Guilt is part of grief. You might struggle with questions like, Is it okay to celebrate this year? Or How can I feel joy when I’m still grieving? 

Keep in mind, guilt doesn’t always come from the celebration itself. It might stem from knowing you’re not as festive as others want you to be. It’s normal to wonder if enjoying life again means you’re forgetting your loved one, but holiday grief and happiness can coexist. You can hold joy and sorrow at the same time.

Anger or irritability

Anger can surface in several ways throughout your grieving process. You might be angered by the loss or mad at people who just don’t seem to understand your experience. Or, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the long list of demands that come with the holiday season. It’s not uncommon to be irritated when people tell you to cheer up or focus on the good.

Numbness or disconnection

Feeling numb, disconnected, or checked out is a common response to grief and the holidays. Don’t beat yourself up if you feel like skipping the season altogether. Tell yourself it’s okay to avoid some gatherings or take time for yourself. You don’t have to deal with people who mean well but might not understand what you’re experiencing. 

That said, even if isolation feels comforting right now, make sure you find gentle ways to reconnect with friends and family when you’re ready. Taking a step back is a form of self-protection, but completely withdrawing long-term isn’t going to help you recover from your grief.

How to Cope with Grief During the Holidays

Coping with holiday grief can feel impossible, but with the right tools and coping skills, each year will become just a little bit easier.

Give yourself permission to feel

One of the best things you can do is give yourself permission to fully experience any feelings that come up. You can laugh, cry, or feel a mix of emotions—it’s all part of the healing process. Try not to get stuck on the idea that you need to be happy just because it’s the holidays. Be honest when asked how you’re doing. If you’re having a hard day, admit it.  

“Holidays are a tricky time to navigate for those who are grieving. There’s a lot of conflicted feelings surrounding the time. On one hand, enjoying the moment and being happy is expected and wanted. On the other hand, grieving that something or someone is missing blankets some of those positive feelings/moments creating sadness and, possibly, guilt. It’s a stark reminder that there is no one way to be or handle the holidays while grieving. Allow for all the emotions to be present and know that it’s okay to feel them all.”

– Talkspace therapist, Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Set boundaries

Prioritizing your mental and physical health

Taking care of yourself is essential when dealing with grief during the holidays. Get enough rest, focus on balanced nutrition, and add gentle movement, such as walking, stretching, or yoga, into your daily routine. 

Create new traditions

While some traditions can be comforting, they can also make you relive painful memories. Starting a new tradition might help you heal and honor your grief. Try lighting a candle in your loved one’s memory, cooking their favorite meal, or making a donation in their name.  

“Part of learning to move through the stages of grief, particularly during holidays or poignant dates is to think about ways to honor the people that are gone. This could be in creating new traditions or rituals for oneself or with others. Another is to consider the rituals that may already exist within a cultural population (i.e. Day of the Dead, Asian ancestral rites, Yahrzeit,etc), Consider what is the path that makes the most sense and plan those traditions/rituals.”

– Talkspace therapist, Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Lean on your support system

Talking with a therapist

Signs it might be time to seek professional mental health support include:

• Worsening depression
• Feeling like you can’t function
• Persistent feelings of hopelessness
• Feeling empty and alone all the time
• Intense or uncontrollable anger that’s impacting your relationships 
• Difficulty sleeping
• Extreme fatigue
• Anxiety or panic attacks
• Isolating yourself
• Having thoughts of self-harm

Moving Through the Holidays with Self-Compassion

One of the most challenging parts of grief is that it’s not linear. The intensity of what you’re feeling can ebb and flow—sometimes even years after the death of a loved one. Some holidays might feel more difficult than others, and grief can come on unexpectedly. Be patient with yourself and remember that everything you’re feeling is valid. Give yourself a break when you need it, and ask for help when you’re at your lowest.

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