SheKnows editor-in-chief Kat Steinberg had a real sandwich generation moment recently: both of her parents were in the ICU while she was juggling childcare for her 12-year-old and, of course, trying to stay on top of work. It’s no joke, Steinberg says, to be in the middle, caring for both aging parents and kids that haven’t quite left the house yet. “Honestly, there are days I forget to buy myself groceries or even text a friend back,” she says. “My focus is always on making sure everyone else has what they need.”
The demands of being a caregiver are relentless, and during the holidays, the pressure seems to spike. “After my mom was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia, my dad and brothers carried most of the burden since they lived nearby,” recalls Eileen Carty. “With three young kids, a full-time job, a long commute, and living two hours away, helping care for her over the holidays was incredibly stressful—I wanted to be there for both my parents and my children.”
Experts say that’s a common experience. “During the holidays, there is the added pressure of trying to create the perfect experience for everyone,” psychotherapist John Sovec, MA, LMFT, tells SheKnows. “That often leads to caregivers putting their own needs on the back burner.” It doesn’t help that stores are busier, doctors’ offices are crowded, and the days are shorter and colder — all of which can add to the stress and mental load of being a dual caregiver.
The question then becomes: how can we enjoy what’s supposed to be the best time of year, when we’re so preoccupied with taking care of everyone else?
The Burden of Caregiving
While caregiving has its beautiful moments, there’s no question of the strain that comes with it. “From increased stress and burnout, depression, and anxiety, among other issues, caregivers are more likely than non-caregivers to struggle with their mental health,” explains Dr. Jennifer Birdsall, a board-certified clinical psychologist and chief clinical officer at ComPsych. Your physical health can take a hit as well. “Research shows caregivers are less likely to attend annual preventive care visits and that they are more likely than non-caregivers to have chronic conditions such as high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes,” Dr. Birdsall notes.
Caregiving can also bring up unexpected feelings and reactions. “There can be a feeling of always being behind, wondering what you have forgotten to take care of in any given moment, as well as resentment that you have been put in the precarious and untenable position,” Sovec says. When it comes to taking care of aging parents, things can get even more complicated. For example, he says, “unresolved issues from childhood can resurface and the obligation to care for parents can provoke resentment and anger.”
Now, layer the stress and non-stop pace of the holidays on top of all that. It’s no wonder that, for caregivers in the sandwich generation, this time of year loses its jolliness.
Finding Ways to Cope
Sovec also recommends taking breaks from caregiving, when you can, in order to clear your mind and ground yourself. “With any intense and overwhelming situation it is important to occasionally step away and breathe, to clear you head for a moment so you can have a clearer view of the situation,” he says.
For Steinberg, that means seeking out community and a passion that is just for her. “I just joined a chorus to sing weekly, which is a huge stress relief for me,” she says. “Just getting the chance to sing, no audition required, is a way for me to slow down, put away my phone, and just be in the moment.”
Experts also recommend taking quiet moments to meditate, breathe deeply, and simply give yourself grace. “Through positive self-talk, remind yourself you are doing the best you can under the circumstances,” says licensed psychotherapist Sumita Changela of Suvi Behavioral Health. “This cognitive behavioral technique can help break the pattern of rumination and negative feelings such as shame and guilt as it helps with cognitive restructuring.”
Of course, it’s also important to ask for help when you need it. “Whether it’s asking a sibling to research to hire a nurse’s aide or book the next doctor’s appointment, or asking a neighbor to help pick up the kids from school or help with getting some groceries, these asks can get you an extra hour or two in the day,” Changela says. It might not be easy if you’re used to doing everything yourself, but “asking for support can minimize the daily stress and help with feeling less lonely,” she says.
Amidst the stress, be sure to also savor the warm, quiet moments when you can. Carty recalls one Thanksgiving when she stayed over at her parents’ house for a few days before Thanksgiving . “I’ll never forget watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and Steel Magnolias with my mom that morning,” she remembers. “She was in such good spirits, and even brighter when her grandkids arrived. It was a bright spot in a very challenging time.”
No, it’s not easy to be in the sandwich generation — but there are moments of beauty, too.
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