Unless religious beliefs dictate otherwise, relationships follow a predictable pattern. Couples usually go through a process of dating, engaging in intimacy, meeting each other’s friends, deciding to live together, and gradually getting acquainted with each other’s families. As time passes, they may get more serious about their commitment and decide to get engaged. However, if they realize they are not well suited for each other, they choose to part ways.
Although this framework has different variations, future planning is done only when both parties feel fully invested in the relationship. This level of commitment is found in relationships that are a year or two old.
However, the same rules don’t apply to individuals with narcissistic personality disorder as they often deviate from the courtship norms. They become so fixated on winning you over that everything moves at a pace and with heightened intensity. Dating feels like a rush, giving no time to evaluate if there is compatibility as a couple. Moreover, they often display themselves as fully committed to making you fall in love and commit. They make you believe you are the love of their life and their perfect match.
When you fall for this trap and are entirely invested in the relationship, they will assess whether you’re truly the one they desire. This is an unpleasant behavior and becomes more troubling.
In addition to this, some narcissists, during courtship, create intimate and detailed plans for a shared future with their potential partner, which is all fake and is called “future faking.” Here, we discuss this concept in detail.
What is Future Faking?
Future faking is a manipulation tactic often employed by narcissists or toxic individuals. It takes place when narcissists make promises to fulfill the desires of their potential partner in the future. The desires they promise to meet are often compelling. They motivate them to get out of bed each morning and push through challenges with unwavering determination. For instance, start a family, achieve a promotion at work, improve your marriage, or visit relatives before it is too late.
However, the true intention behind this is to benefit in the present. Some warning signs are avoiding responsibility, delaying commitments, obtaining resources, or sidestepping conflicts.
Also Read: Why Do Narcissists Always Play The Victim? (And How To Protect Yourself)
Why do People fall for These Fake Promises?
Sometimes, the desire for a safe future, fear of being alone, or belief you will land a job that proves your worthiness is so deeply ingrained that you think the person you met online or offline is “the one.”
Regardless of whether you’re consciously aware of it, the intensity of these desires compels you to do whatever it takes to reach those goals. For this, you may be willing to sacrifice your career if it means having children as per your partner’s request in the future. Working tirelessly for 80 hours weekly is justified if it guarantees a promotion. Sometimes, even tolerating abusive behavior from a partner because they promise change is around the corner is acceptable.
The future faker takes advantage of these desires & persuades you into doing something you wouldn’t normally do. If this sounds impossible, let’s see how this strategy works. Let us reverse some of the situations mentioned earlier.
Would you give up your career if your spouse didn’t indicate that you could balance work and parenthood?
Would you be willing to work 80 hours a week if you knew you wouldn’t receive the promotion?
Would you endure behavior if your partner didn’t promise to improve their behavior soon?
If the answer is no, you have understood how future fakers make false promises to fool you. Future faking is deliberate, like when someone says they will call but never does. However, it can also happen unintentionally, such as when a spouse promises to change to prevent you from leaving but fails to follow through.
Future faking is more manipulative than lying because it exploits your desires. You desperately want to believe what they say is true, creating a blind spot and making it less likely for you to recognize the pattern than a lie.
Examples of Future Faking
Example #1
You’re head over heels for your partner and share common interests. It feels like they could be “the one.” Both dream of buying a house within the year, strengthening your bond. You enthusiastically browsed listings, discussing the home, the backyard, and future pets and children.
Everything seems perfect, but you realize they haven’t saved any money after six months as you’ve been burdened with their debt. But how did this happen? It accumulated as they frequently dined out and splurged on gadgets without a job.
But love blinds you to these concerns as they promise to change their ways, save money, and work towards achieving your dreams: a home with a beautiful yard, a dog, and even babies! Perhaps postponing these plans is worth it in the name of love since love conquers all.
Example #2
Your employer has assured you that a promotion is on its way. They assure you are fit for a job opportunity with exciting prospects and a generous raise and bonus. They acknowledge that this aligns well with your desired career path, as you have discussed times in the year. You feel thrilled and imagine all the advantages that lie ahead.
However, as the following months unfold, you realize that although you have assumed responsibilities in preparation for your role, there have yet to be tangible benefits. When you approach your boss again to discuss this matter, you are reassured that they will arrive soon.
Eventually, you notice other colleagues being promoted while you remain overlooked and uncertain about the reasons behind it. Your inquiries go unanswered. The promises persistently continue, but gradually, you stop seeking clarification, and your boss never raises the topic of promotion again.
Also Read: Can A Narcissist Change: Taking A Deep Look In The Psychological Evidence
How Does Future Faking Work?
Narcissistic individuals and others who possess tendencies often resort to deception. Therefore, it is crucial to understand the nature of these lies because future faking preys on our desires—whether they involve marriage, children, work, happiness, travel, or any other aspect of life—and exploits them as a means of control. This spoils your mental peace and might harm your overall well-being.
Also, as these lies expand and you start recognizing their broken promises, they might occasionally take some action to convince you that things aren’t as dire as you believe. However, once you accept it and get comfortable, it becomes clear that more manipulation awaits you.
The emotional appeal employed in faking can be so powerful that it gradually distorts your perception of reality. When you realize what’s happening, you might have invested time, emotion, and energy into the relationship, and extricating yourself becomes challenging—perhaps even seemingly impossible. Consequently, you may find yourself going along with the manipulator simply because it feels easier at this stage.
Signs Indicating Future Faking
Future faking becomes particularly difficult to resist when these lies revolve around our desires. However, there are warning signs to be mindful of in a relationship:
They desire to take advantage of your connection with money.
Their words and demeanor create an illusion of being in a fairytale scenario.
They discuss things that may seem good to be true.
They consistently fail to follow through on their promises.
They avoid taking responsibility when confronted about their commitments and lack of action.
Offering apologies is something they rarely do.
How to avoid Falling for Future Faking?
To avoid falling victim to faking, it is crucial to face the truth, even if it’s not what you want to hear. When your emotions are heightened, stepping in and adopting an observer’s perspective can be helpful by stating some facts.
Your inner dialogue might sound like this;
“He keeps mentioning this promotion that awaits me. I’ve heard similar promises for the past six years. I’m currently working 60 hours per week. I genuinely deserve quality time with my children.”
“I’ve harbored a standing dream of visiting Italy; it has been at the top of my wish list for years. However, he has offered to plan a trip to Italy several times to resolve an argument.”
“We still haven’t taken the trip.”
“I desire to meet in person and see if this relationship has potential. She mentioned she would visit, “I have been waiting for six months.”
Once you confront the truth, it will empower you to decide how to move.
The Negative Impact of False Promises
Promises have lasting and potentially devastating effects on the person being deceived. When combined with forms of abuse within a relationship, it can result in stress disorder (PTSD) or trigger trauma symptoms in individuals who already suffer from PTSD. Some individuals may experience symptoms of depression. Feel hopeless or helpless about changing their situation.
This contradictory nature of being promised a future that never materializes while holding onto hope leads to annoyance. The deceived may experience guilt, embarrassment, or shame for believing these promises. They may also regret staying in the relationship for a period and feel a sense of loss.
However, confronting or challenging the narcissist can potentially lead to outcomes. As their ego is wounded, the narcissist might:
Act aggressively toward you
Blame you for everything
If you’re looking to protect yourself from a faker or a narcissist, it’s important to be aware of the signs:
Their words may sound too good to be true.
The relationship moves forward quickly.
If you try to slow things down, they become upset.
It feels like living in a movie, novel, or fairy tale.
When disagreements arise about plans, they tend to shift blame onto you.
You find yourself becoming isolated from friends or family members due to promises.
You may have left a job because of promises made by your partner.
Money might have been spent on promises never fulfilled (payment on a trip or ring).
How to stay protected?
Recognize that future faking is a form of abuse.
Acknowledge that your partner is controlling and manipulating you.
Educate yourself about narcissism in a discreet manner.
Slow down the pace of your relationship if it feels overwhelming.
Establish dates and timelines for promises made by your partner.
Make a Promise to Yourself
You cannot blame yourself for your partner not holding onto the promises made. Stop thinking there is anything wrong with you. It is the way these future fakers are. They never keep their promises because they make it to get you. Therefore, always check the warning signs before you fall for such a relationship. If you find that the relationship is going too fast, many promises are made for the future, and nothing they say or want to do is related to the present, review your relationship.
Set goals for what you want, and write them down. Reflect on how you can work towards achieving these goals. Take steps towards accomplishing them. If you want to keep the relationship, discuss things and see whether or not they are fulfilled. Be cautious, do not be a puppet, and believe in yourself. Once you show that you are weak or to get what you want, you can keep waiting and tolerate anything you will be taken for granted.
Never show your need. A relationship based on promises of something that may or may not happen is unhealthy. If you find that your partner is not ready to discuss anything and when you try to move or make your point, they get violent and abusive, it is time you leave and move forward.
Love yourself and be true to yourself. If you need any help, talk to a therapist. They will be able to understand how to handle things and move in life without feeling any regret. Do not hesitate to talk and discuss things.
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