Developing close relationships — whether with an intimate partner, friend, or family member — means sharing our thoughts, supporting each other, and sometimes even choosing to build a life together. What happens, though, when closeness becomes so all-encompassing that the lines between “you” and “me” blur into “us” in a way that there’s no space left for individuality?
An enmeshed relationship happens when emotional boundaries or our sense of self becomes blurred or even non-existent. Over time, enmeshment can leave people feeling emotionally drained, overwhelmed, or unsure of who they are outside of the relationship. Enmeshment is a troubling dynamic that can plague intimate partnerships, close friendships, or even family ties — especially between a parent and child.
Signs You Might Be in an Enmeshed Relationship
While the specifics may vary depending on the nature of the relationship, certain telltale signs—such as issues with independence or your sense of identity—tend to crop up when healthy boundaries are lacking.
Lack of personal boundaries
The absence of clear personal boundaries can be an early red flag of enmeshment in romantic relationships or other close bonds. This can feel like being constantly “on call,” where you’re expected to respond to messages immediately or include the other person every time you make plans.
Similarly, avoiding making plans with people your partner doesn’t know or get along with can also be a warning sign of enmeshment among couples. Even seemingly pragmatic decisions, like sharing passwords or engaging in shared decision-making, can erode one’s sense of autonomy.
“Enmeshment often stems from childhood environments where boundaries were unclear or where a parent relied too heavily on a child for emotional support. In these situations, children may learn to prioritize others’ needs over their own, confusing love with self-sacrifice.”
– Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LPC, LMHC
Emotional dependence
Some level of emotional dependence in a relationship is healthy, and it’s natural to feel comforted by your partner’s presence or to seek support when you’re having a rough day. However, in an enmeshed relationship, that emotional connection becomes a little too intertwined. For example, you might find your own mood shifting dramatically based on theirs, like feeling down simply because they’re upset, even when the situation doesn’t involve you.
Carving out your own emotional independence doesn’t necessarily mean withdrawing support. It just means grounding yourself first so that you can show up for the people you love without losing yourself in the process.
Identity confusion
When you spend every waking moment prioritizing the emotional needs of someone else, it’s easy to forget who you are outside of the relationship. You might start adopting their opinions, hobbies, or even their manner of speaking without meaning to. Maybe you used to love mountain biking, but your partner doesn’t, so now you only watch the shows they watch, spend the weekends with their friends, or make other choices with them in mind.
Finding mutual hobbies with your partner shouldn’t require you to give up your own individual interests. However, when you prioritize togetherness over individuality, it’s easy for enmeshment to take hold.
Guilt or anxiety around independence
It’s not normal to feel anxious about wanting alone time or the space to pursue a personal goal, or to worry about whether it will upset the other person or create distance. Independence is a healthy part of any relationship, no matter how close. If it feels more like a betrayal, it could mean your relationship is too enmeshed.
Keep in mind that needing space doesn’t mean you care any less. In fact, research shows that honoring your own autonomy can actually strengthen the quality and satisfaction of your relationship. By allowing each person to recharge independently, both can show up as their fullest selves during quality time together.
How Enmeshment Impacts Mental and Emotional Health
While being joined at the hip with a romantic partner, close friend, or family member might feel like security or support, enmeshment in romantic relationships and platonic or family relationships alike can actually take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. The absence of individuality or healthy family boundaries, romantic boundaries, or friend boundaries can lead to a chronic state of feeling burnt out, anxious, or emotionally depleted, as if your energy is constantly being siphoned into managing someone else’s needs.
When your identity is so closely tied to someone else’s needs, it can become difficult to trust your own instincts, and this imbalance can chip away at your self-esteem over time. This can feel like uncertainty about what you really want or second-guessing every decision that doesn’t perfectly align with the other person’s perspective.
These patterns not only stunt emotional growth but also limit your ability to form healthy connections outside the primary relationship, especially when experienced at a young age. Research shows that adolescents who grow up in enmeshed family systems tend to experience heightened emotional dysregulation, such as increased negative moods and poor physiological stress responses.
Strategies for Coping and Creating a Healthy Space
Establishing new boundaries might feel awkward or clunky at first, especially if you’re used to being in a relationship without any, but it’s actually one of the most effective ways to protect your mental well-being. If you’re feeling drained by an enmeshed family dynamic, friendship, or other relationship, start with small steps toward autonomy.
Reflect on your needs and boundaries
When we’re so used to prioritizing the needs of others, it can be easy to forget to check in with ourselves, too. Start simple. Ask yourself: What drains me? What restores me? What do I need more or less of in my relationships?
Tuning into your own needs isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for fostering authentic connections with the people in your life. The more honest you are with yourself, the easier it becomes to communicate your needs clearly with others.
Practice saying “no” without guilt
If you have people-pleaser tendencies or prefer to avoid even the smallest of conflicts, saying “no” can be scary. Still, it’s part of setting boundaries and putting yourself first. Start with low-stakes moments like declining an invitation to a casual gathering that you just don’t have the energy for that day. Saying “no” isn’t a rejection of others but a way of protecting your energy for what really matters.
Foster your own identity and interests
This one might feel exciting, overwhelming, or both. If you feel detached from your own self-identity, tune back in by asking yourself: What used to bring me joy before this relationship? What did a typical Saturday look like for me when I was single? What have I always wanted to try?
Pick up a new hobby, join a rec league, or simply get out of the house and spend a few hours alone once a week. Investing in yourself outside of your relationship creates more space for confidence, growth, and authentic connection with others.
Set limits on emotional caretaking
You can still be a supportive partner or friend without carrying someone else’s emotional burden. Think about what feels reasonable for you. For example, if you find yourself staying up late to comfort a loved one night after night, it might be time to pause and ask whether this kind of support is sustainable. Setting boundaries around emotional labor not only helps you preserve your energy but also allows you to show up out of choice rather than obligation.
Consider relationship counseling or individual therapy
Disentangling an enmeshed friendship, romantic relationship, or family dynamic can be messy if the patterns have been ongoing for years or if the other person is resistant to change. Relationship counseling or individual therapy can offer a non-judgmental place to explore those dynamics and teach you how to set a new precedent. Regular sessions can also help establish accountability and prevent you from falling back into old ways. With a little guidance, you and your partner can learn to create more space for individuality without sacrificing your bond.
“Closeness in relationships involves emotional connection and support while still respecting each person’s individuality and boundaries. Enmeshment blurs those boundaries, making it hard to separate one person’s emotions or needs from the other, while secure, healthy relationships create space for both intimacy and personal growth.”
– Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LPC, LMHC
When To Step Back or Reevaluate the Relationship
Unfortunately, not every enmeshed relationship can be transformed into a healthier one. Sometimes, a dynamic can continue feeling emotionally unsafe despite your best efforts.
Take notice of whether your attempts to set boundaries are consistently met with resistance, guilt-tripping, or dismissal. Do you feel like, despite attempts to change, you’re still doing all the heavy lifting, while your own needs remain unmet? A relationship should allow you to grow and feel whole, and it’s okay to take a step back if things aren’t working. Creating an appropriate amount of emotional distance might mean taking a break in a relationship to reflect, redefine how much energy you give, or, in some cases, ending the relationship altogether.
It’s okay to leave a relationship that isn’t serving you, even if the other person doesn’t understand right away. It doesn’t mean you failed, but that you took the brave step of choosing to honor your own well-being and create space for relationships that feel mutual and balanced.
Moving Toward Healthier Connection
Breaking out of an enmeshed relationship doesn’t mean sacrificing connection, but rather redefining it in a way that honors both people equally. Healthy relationships are rooted in respect, boundaries, and mutual growth, and setting emotional boundaries allows us to prioritize our own well-being in a way that gives more space for us to show up for others.
The good news is that with the right support, even deeply ingrained patterns can change. Online couples therapy or individual therapy with Talkspace makes it easier to start that journey. With licensed therapists trained in boundary setting, emotional independence, and relationship healing, you can reconnect with yourself while learning how to build healthier, more balanced relationships.
Sources:
- Oz-Soysal, FS, Bakalım, O, Tasdelen-Karckay, A, & Ogan, S. The association between autonomy need satisfaction and perceived romantic relationship quality: The mediating role of openness. Emerging Adulthood. 2023; 12(2), 187-200. doi: 10.1177/21676968231220074 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/21676968231220074
- Kivisto KL, Welsh DP, Darling N, Culpepper CL. Family enmeshment, adolescent emotional dysregulation, and the moderating role of gender. J Fam Psychol. 2015;29(4):604-613. doi:10.1037/fam0000118 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26374939/
The post How To Cope With an Enmeshed Relationship appeared first on Talkspace.