Identifying & Addressing Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Relationships

How To Tell if You’re in a Passive-Aggressive Relationship

If you’re not sure if you’re in a passive-aggressive relationship, start by observing how conflict and frustration are communicated — or left unsaid. Here are some passive-aggressive examples in relationships:

• The silent treatment: Instead of bringing up what’s bothering them, your partner might resort to stonewalling in a relationship, withdrawing emotionally, or refusing to talk altogether, sometimes for hours or even days.
• Sarcasm or backhanded compliments: Comments such as “wow, you’re finally pitching in,” or “thanks a lot” might be said jokingly, but can still sting or signify a deeper issue.
• Withholding affection: Does physical touch, kind words, or support suddenly disappear after a disagreement?
• Intentional forgetfulness: They often tend to “forget” to do something important you requested, whether big or small, like picking up groceries or attending an event.
• Guilt-tripping: Rather than discussing their needs, they jump straight to anger or telling you how you’ve let them down.
• Mixed signals: They may say they’re fine, but their body language — like eye rolls or loud sighs — suggests otherwise.
• Procrastinating shared responsibilities: Delaying tasks for which you’ve agreed to split the responsibility as a way to communicate their unhappiness or avoid being involved.

If any of these behaviors feel familiar, it could be a sign of passive-aggressive behavior in your relationship. However, there are effective yet compassionate ways of addressing these issues.

9 Tips for Addressing Passive-Aggressive Behavior

It’s frustrating interacting with someone who’s displaying passive-aggressive behavior in relationships, but there are ways to respond that foster meaningful change. Remember, the goal isn’t to place blame or shame but to create space for more emotional honesty.

1. Pause and reflect before reacting

It’s easy to get triggered when sarcasm, guilt-tripping, or other avoidant behaviors push all your buttons, but responding with defensiveness only makes things worse. Take a breath, check in with yourself, and think about your response before you respond. What am I feeling? What might be going on beneath the surface for both of us?

Try to be intentional about responding with clarity rather than impulse. A thoughtful response opens the door to meaningful dialogue, while a reactive one can unintentionally reinforce the passive-aggressive cycle you’re trying to break out of.

2. Ask yourself: “Am I being passive-aggressive too?”

Sometimes, we mirror what we’re experiencing, whether intentionally or not. Self-reflection is key here. Maybe you’ve avoided saying what you really feel or, at times, expected your partner to read your mind. Are you hinting at your needs or voicing them clearly? Are you also guilty of using sarcasm without meaning to? Taking responsibility for your role — if applicable — can help move the needle in the right direction.

3. Practice naming the behavior calmly

It can be hard to speak up about things when it feels like you’re constantly walking on eggshells around your partner. However, if something feels off, it’s better to bring up the issue than brush past the tension and pretend you didn’t notice.

Acknowledge what you’re noticing in a clear and kind way. Instead of ignoring the tension, try using gentle language to bring the issue to light without putting the other person on the defensive. For example, you might say, “I felt confused when you said nothing was wrong, but then seemed really quiet afterward.”

4. Invite direct communication

Invite direct communication by reminding your partner that your intention isn’t to criticize or judge them. You just want to understand where they’re coming from, and you can’t do that unless they’re willing to be real with you. If they still seem guarded, it might help to reassure them that establishing a more open dialogue can help both of you feel heard and seen.

5. Set and reinforce healthy boundaries

If avoiding conflict feels like the current status quo, setting boundaries can feel awkward at first. However, over time, they can work to build a stronger foundation for trust and respect in the relationship.

6. Don’t reward the behavior with emotional over-functioning

Say you notice signs that your partner seems upset, but instead of saying how they feel, they act distant or make passive jabs. Some people might react to this by tiptoeing around them, offering extra affection, or canceling plans to keep the peace. 

This kind of emotional over-functioning — where one person tries to fix everything — can actually make matters worse. It takes the pressure off your partner to communicate directly, and it keeps you stuck doing all the heavy lifting. Instead, give them space to cool off. When things feel less tense, try making a bid for connection by asking them what’s really going on and whether they want to talk about it.

7. Consider the root cause together

Open-ended questions like “Do you think it’s hard to talk about things directly?” or “Is there something that makes it uncomfortable to say what you’re really feeling?” can be an invitation to dive deeper into the root of the problem as a couple. Be careful of trying to psychoanalyze your partner — the goal is simply to create space for more open and honest conversation. Understanding what’s going on doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can still foster empathy and help you work through the issue.

“Passive aggression typically stems from the inability and or the unwillingness to express emotions. Therapy can certainly help you process what is at the core of your hesitance and help you develop and practice skills for healthier communication.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C

8. Use “I” statements to express how it affects you

9. Suggest couples therapy or individual support if the pattern continues

If you’re nervous to bring up couples therapy to your partner, try reframing it in a way that emphasizes your intentions, not fears. You could say something like, “I care about us and I’m committed to our relationship. I think talking to someone could help us understand each other and grow stronger as a couple.” Think of it as a team effort rather than a last resort.

“Relationship therapy does not have to wait for a crisis! Proactively getting professional help, to offer perspective, can help both parties take a step back. Too quickly, indirect communication can turn into an unnecessary competition whereby it is so much more important to keep respect at the core, and consider differences, from a clear space. A therapist can help facilitate this in a safe and healthy way. A no-brainer.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C

Moving Forward With Clearer, Kinder Communication

Repairing a passive-aggressive relationship takes time, trust, and consistent effort on both sides, but it’s possible. Even small moments of honest communication are a step in the right direction. 

If you’re ready for more support, pursuing online couples therapy with Talkspace makes getting help easy and accessible. Our licensed therapists specialize in communication challenges, relationship tension, and fostering emotional growth. From tackling emotional distance to dealing with relationship burnout, Talkspace can help you navigate every bump in the road. With flexible online therapy options, you can take the next step toward a happier relationship on your schedule and in your own space today.

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