Tiger Parenting: The Pressure Behind Strict Upbringing

What is Tiger Parenting?

What It Feels Like Growing Up Under a Tiger Parent

If your parent fits the “tiger mom stereotype,” you likely remember plenty of pressure and disappointment as a child. Do any of these tiger parenting examples sound familiar to you?

• You felt like your parents’ love was conditional on your success, whether it was in academics, music, or sports.
• Excellence was expected and rarely praised.
• You were constantly compared to your siblings, other kids at school, or the children of family friends.
• You faced intense pressure to be the best at school, sports, and extracurricular activities.
• You feared the harsh criticism that accompanied failure, and you didn’t receive much encouragement.
• You didn’t get much emotional validation and rarely heard “I’m proud of you” unless it was tied to an achievement. 

With so little support throughout their upbringing, adults who grew up with tiger parents manage mental health struggles that overshadow their accomplishments. 

The Lasting Effects of Tiger Parenting on Adult Children

Tiger parenting seems to set children up to become accomplished adults. However, many adults who were subjected to this parenting practice as children find that they resent their parents and their upbringing. It’s common to feel a loss of identity and a lack of self-worth. Exploring your emotions surrounding your childhood can help you address these challenges in adulthood. 

Higher achievement, but at what cost?

It’s no secret that the tiger mom stereotype creates successful, driven children. Many have strong work ethics and discipline that were instilled from a young age. Career options praised by tiger parents include doctors, lawyers, and star athletes. You may have achieved your lofty goals, but what other consequences are you dealing with? 

Difficulty with self-worth & identity

Putting all your self-worth into your accomplishments makes it harder to recognize your other attributes. People raised by tiger moms struggle to recognize they’re worth more than a grade or a trophy. They also have a harder time forming an identity outside of what they excel at — even when they’re no longer interested. Children of tiger parents chased their parents’ dreams, goals, and expectations for so long that they don’t know where their identity lies. 

Mental health challenges

Adult children raised by tiger moms often deal with mental health challenges. This is especially true when it comes to depression and anxiety. The constant stress of chasing and achieving perfection without much praise or reward can take a toll on your mental health over the years. 

Struggles with relationships

Tiger parents rarely give compliments or express emotions. As adults, children raised under this parenting style struggle to form deeper connections with those around them. Friendships, romantic relationships, and work partnerships can all suffer from the lasting impacts of the tiger parenting practice. 

How to Heal From a Tiger Parenting Upbringing

Ready to start processing your childhood and upbringing after living with a tiger parent? We’re here to remind you it’s possible to heal and forge your own path through life. 

Recognize that your worth isn’t conditional

The first step to healing from your tiger-parenting upbringing is to recognize that your self-worth isn’t linked to your academic achievements or career accomplishments. This can be especially difficult, as many adults spend years validating their worth through excellent grades, awards, and proper careers. 

You also need to unlearn the notion that failing is inherently a disappointment. Experiencing failure is an important part of maturing, as this is where learning and growth happen. Remember to have compassion for yourself as you face failures and changes. Look at each opportunity as a chance to move forward and offer the self-assurance you wish you had as a child. 

“When working with individuals whose sense of self-worth is based on unreasonable expectations, it starts with verbalizing what those expectations are out loud. Then, the work starts to challenge and adapt those expectations to more reasonable and attainable expectations. Understanding how our past influences our ideas and expectations goes a long way in working on creating more realistic and reasonable expectations.”

– Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Setting boundaries with parents

Enforcing boundaries looks different for everyone. Some people want to maintain relationships with their parents. Others decide to cut contact or limit their interactions as much as possible. 

Finding your own path

When was the last time you tried something for yourself? Tiger parents usually dictate their children’s schedules and activities, leaving little room for passion projects. Try exploring something you’ve always wanted to try, like art, traveling, poetry, or even a new career path or major at school. 

It’s normal to feel fear and uncertainty as you navigate these new experiences. Your tiger parents have likely chosen your path for years, and it’s time you take back control. You may also find yourself struggling to find an identity after pursuing interests outside of achievements. Forging your own path can lead to unexpected positives, including new joys, friendships, and confidence. 

Relearning emotional expression & vulnerability

Seeking therapy or support groups

Therapy isn’t a sign of weakness or failure. In fact, it’s a sign of strength. You have recognized you need help and wish to change your way of thinking to become better. Unpacking your deep-rooted beliefs and expectations instilled during childhood takes time and effort. It is also difficult to accomplish alone. 

“It’s always important to start by validating that seeking help isn’t a bad thing. Oftentimes, clients who have experienced strict parenting find it difficult to ask for any kind of support or help. Making sure that the space is open and safe helps the client feel less like they are doing something wrong and creates a space for them to be open. It’s important to create a judgment-free environment.”

– Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Breaking the Cycle With Mental Health Support

Even after so many years of being raised by a tiger parent, healing is possible. Your upbringing doesn’t define who you are as an individual. These realizations take time, and therapy is a key part of working through complex emotions and disordered thought processes. Digging deep to find who you are as an individual and your own self-worth is essential to your healing journey.