Conflict and disagreement have become a part of our lives. Whether it’s a disagreement over values or a simple misunderstanding, we all experience conflict at some point. Unfortunately, if the conflict is not effectively resolved, it can escalate to violence. Therefore, when you argue with a client or colleague, your main goal should be to calm the situation before it escalates.
The easiest way to do this is by taking deep breaths, listening, responding calmly, and changing body language. But not everyone can do this easily. This makes learning de-escalation techniques a must. These methods will not only help resolve an issue but will also help care for mental health.
In this post, we will discuss de-escalating techniques in detail and how they can be used to avoid and solve conflicts, arguments, and fights.
Emotions are contagious. We start to feel the same way when we meet someone stressed, angry, sad, or showing other emotions. When we see someone getting angry, we may feed on their anger, leading to further conflict and decreased creativity and productivity. If it is an interpersonal conflict, relationships get destroyed. It can be friendships or marriages.
Therefore, developing appropriate skills to solve conflict healthily should be learned. This is exactly what we will do in this post.
What are De-Escalation Techniques?
De-escalation is the process of calming down a situation before it gets worse. Various techniques can be used to achieve this, including breathing, active listening, asking questions, empathy, and body language.
These techniques help maintain a calm atmosphere and prevent violent conflict, improving mental health.
In different fields, de-escalation techniques are used for pacification.
For example, when used in customer service, it helps deal with customers who have filed complaints about products and services. Customer service representatives can respond appropriately to challenging complaints using de-escalation techniques. Moreover, using de-escalation techniques, they can set clear and respectful boundaries that help manage customer emotions.
Stages of Escalation and How De-escalation Techniques Help
Dr. Friedrich Grassl, conflict researcher, mediator, and economist, has developed a model to represent the escalation phases of conflict. According to it, there are 3 levels and nine stages of conflict escalation.
The three levels are called “win-win,” “win-win,” and “lose-lose.”
If you fall under the starting three levels, you can exit unharmed or without gaining any profit (win-win).
When you are on the second level, one side loses, and the other wins, and in the third level, both sides lose to the point of annihilating each other (lose-lose).
The closer one gets to the final level, the more inhuman the opponent’s methods of winning become. This is why Glassell does not consider this model an escalation; instead, it is taken as a descending model in which human morality goes down the drain.
Level 1: Win-Win
Stage One: Tension
Initial tensions can be easily sensed as they are conscious, there is a clash of opinions, and both sides can become stiff and twitching. However, things are still manageable at this stage, as disagreements are mutual and can be resolved with some discussion. Until now, separate camps or parties have not formed.
Stage Two: Debate
Differences of opinion become more fundamental, with opponents trying to persuade and pressure each other with rational arguments. Everyone insists on their opinions and firm black-and-white thinking, and there is violence in words.
Stage Three: Actions More than Words
Arguments and conflicts arise as one side feels more pressurized, and talking or discussions seem unhelpful. In this stage, action matters as verbal communication is no longer effective, and frustration interferes with it, yielding no results. Adversaries must face accomplished facts. However, the opposite of this happens as mistrust and negativity replace empathy, adding fuel to the fire and increasing conflicts.
Level 2: Win-lose
Stage Four: Alliance
There can be only one winner in the first phase. Opponents seek supporters and allies and form parties to oppose one another. They launch image campaigns and spread rumors. They go to any extent to win the conflict and lose their originality.
Stage Five: Losing Face
Mutual attacks begin directly, with personal, immoral “strikes below the belt.” Whenever possible, opponents are exposed. There is a loss of morale and trust, giving space for negative emotions, even disgust, to build up.
Stage Six: Threat Strategy
Conflicting parties try to gain the upper hand through threats and counter-threats. They make demands, and if they are unfulfilled, punishment is given with the evidence. For example, a ransom demand is accompanied by a life threat when a person is kidnapped. The more severe the consequence, the more credible the threat. It’s about being powerful and enforcing harsh punishment. The vicious threats from both sides are like scissors, and the conflict escalates.
Level 3: Lose-lose
Stage Seven: Limited Destruction
In the first stage, acceptance of one’s damage as long as the opponent’s damage is greater is seen. No longer is the play on humanitarian grounds. All tricks will be used to hurt the opponent. The opponent is now seen as a thing without emotions. Values and virtues take a backseat.
Stage Eight: Total Annihilation
The ultimate goal is to disrupt the enemy system. Frontline fighters are cut off from allies and supplies, and vital functions are attacked, resulting in physical, psychosocial, or spiritual disruption.
Level 9: Fall into the Abyss Together
There is no turning back, and a full-scale confrontation between the two parties is witnessed. If dragging the opponent into the abyss means you, too, go with them, you jump. Self-destruction is acceptable. Damage to the environment or anyone else no longer prevents enemies from destroying each other.
De-escalation Model
Level 1-3 conflicts still need to be resolved peacefully, with someone stepping in if necessary (e.g., the parent asking the child to reconcile).
The parties involved need outside help to resolve the conflict at the fourth level. Glasl envisions the following model for mitigating conflicts:
Stage 1-3: Self-help will still work.
Stage 2-3: Help from friends, family, or professionals is still welcomed.
Stage 3-5: Help from outside can work.
Stage 4-6: Social therapy process support will work.
Stage 5-7: External professional mediation
Stage 6-8: Support through voluntary or mandatory arbitration
Stage 7-9: Can only be helped through a power intervention
To solve a conflict, whether you are a manager, a mental health practitioner, a customer care executive, or anyone else, you should understand the nine stages of conflict escalation. This will help you view the conflict from a neutral perspective, and if necessary, outside help can be requested promptly. Even in conflicts where no one is involved, an awareness of the stages can lead to a quicker resolution.
Example of De-Escalation Techniques
The American film The War of the Roses is a perfect, almost textbook example of how to go through all the stages.
In the film, Barbara Rose wants to divorce her husband, Oliver. The parties sought an amicable agreement, but for the first time, she had trouble with the house they shared.
The conflict intensified and became absurd acts of sabotage and blatant mutual hatred. At the end of the full escalation, the ex-husbands fell from a chandelier after an argument and lay dead in the foyer, reaching an absolute lose-lose.
De-Escalation Techniques in Mental Health
1. Listen
Listening is a powerful tool. When others don’t think you’re listening to their concerns, they almost always see you as a threat.
When people turn to others to express grievances or concerns and look for solutions to difficult situations, they seek someone who can listen and help them. Make the other person heard during the conversation and use active listening when sharing their experiences. Don’t interrupt them, acknowledge their concerns, ask questions to clarify details about their experience, and use affirmative language.
Use appropriate nonverbal cues to show them you are listening carefully when speaking face-to-face. Try to maintain eye contact, not cross your arms, and nod when speaking.
2. Recognize and accept their emotions/feelings
Acknowledge and accept the other person’s feelings without judging them. Don’t share your story with them. Ask them about how they feel and understand what they want to say. They don’t need advice.
3. Resolve conflicts as soon as possible
As the saying goes, prevention is better than cure. As time passes, conflict can intensify, and you may feel angry about ongoing issues.
If you have a problem with someone else, you can prevent it from escalating by resolving it as soon as possible. It’s easy to ignore seemingly minor conflicts, but the problem can grow until we can no longer ignore it, sometimes leading to explosive confrontations.
Long-term conflicts are more difficult to resolve because of their history and the stronger feelings that accompany them. To prevent them from escalating, make the other party aware of the conflict and find a solution early.
4. Identify goals
Sometimes, we know something is wrong, but without knowing the problem or outcome we want, it can be difficult to fix something you don’t know.
Find out how everyone sees the problem and the desired solution beforehand.
It can be helpful to ask yourself, “How do I know the problem is solved?” What changes would make things work for you? Before seeking a solution, parties to a conflict can consider what kind of solution they need or want and what it might look like.
Do you need to change your behavior? Do you feel you have been treated unfairly and need to apologize? Are the parties using different communication styles and not on the same page?
Find out how everyone sees the problem and the desired solution beforehand.
5. Take Help from third parties
A neutral third party with no allegiance can facilitate conflict resolution. They don’t emotionally attach to the outcome since they are not part of the conflict. A mediator can facilitate a compromise between both parties, leaving everyone involved equally unhappy.
If your dispute concerns a relationship, a mental health professional can assist you through couples therapy. Your workplace may utilize professional mediators to facilitate a peaceful resolution if your dispute is with a colleague.
6. Compromise
As explained, becoming involved in your perception of the conflict and your vision of a solution is easy. Still, it’s important to remember that a third party has a different perspective.
The other side has its agenda and goals for the result. Acknowledge your values and your potential to compromise to reach a mutually acceptable solution.
The other party may have a more direct relationship with you than you realize. When you’re willing to make compromises, it’s more likely that you’ll find a solution to your dispute.
7. Check your Tone when responding
In a calm voice, acknowledge the feelings and perspectives of others. This makes the other person understand that you were paying attention and that you comprehend the sentiment.
When you discuss your perspective, discuss the specifics of the dispute. Don’t tell falsehoods, overestimate, or employ offensive language. If the issue is with your emotions, professionally describe them. If you yell or express yourself emotionally, the other person may not recognize your words, and the situation will likely worsen.
If you are the cause of something harmful or wrong, apologize. An apologetic statement is not considered a sign of weakness but demonstrates power, humility, and confidence.
Say sorry.
Admit that what you did was incorrect
Describe how you will not repeat it.
Don’t suggest that the other person stay calm. This can be perceived as arrogance and disdain for their feelings.
9. Pay attention to body language
During the discussion, remember to keep your body language in mind. Don’t grab your fists, point at the other person, or perform sudden movements. The other person could perceive these actions as aggressive.
Even if they are standing too far apart, it can make them feel confined or threatened. If the dispute is particularly fierce, consider giving the other person extra space, which may reduce tension.
Resolve Conflicts. Don’t Let Them Sit There
Sometimes, conflicts can be solved amicably, but there is no harm in seeking outside assistance when that is not the case. A third party helps manage or reduce the conflict. Even if you take steps to mitigate the situation, the other party may not be open or may choose to escalate the situation regardless of your efforts.
Depending on the nature of the dispute, you must take appropriate steps. If it is a workplace dispute, talk to the human resources department. They can intervene and assist you and the other party in addressing the dispute in a constructive environment. However, if it is with a partner, you can take the help of a couple of therapists.
In other cases, you can seek help from a professional mediator who can facilitate talks to help solve and prevent conflicts. However, if you have difficulty communicating or disagreements, step back and try to see things naturally. This will help resolve the dispute and communicate effectively.
Remember that you can only regulate your response to the dispute, not the other person’s. With these tips, you can minimize the pain associated with conflict and de-escalate things as much as possible.
We hope you found the article helpful and will try to implement some of these tips next time you get into an argument or encounter someone else who is angry.
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