We’ve all been there. One second you’re in the middle of an argument, and the next, your partner suddenly goes silent. They avert their gaze, refusing to respond and abruptly shutting you out. This experience — known as stonewalling — is beyond frustrating, and over time, it can chip away at the emotional foundation of a relationship.
Stonewalling is a form of emotional withdrawal that occurs when one partner shuts down during conflict. It might feel like rejection or a form of punishment, but stonewalling usually isn’t motivated by ill intentions. It’s more often a defense mechanism utilized to protect from anxiety or escalating conflict.
According to renowned relationship experts Drs. Julie and John Gottman, stonewalling is one of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” — a term they use to describe four unhealthy communication behaviors that can lead to the breakdown of a relationship. After decades of experience studying relationship dynamics, the Gottmans have found that when they become habitual, these patterns in a relationship can be strong predictors of divorce or separation. Here, we’ll discuss the warning signs of stonewalling and how you can avoid it in your relationship.
Common Signs of Stonewalling
When communicated clearly, taking space during an argument can actually be a sign of emotional intelligence and maturity. Stonewalling, however, isn’t about boundary setting. When someone stonewalls, they shut down without expressing a need for space. Here are a few ways it might show up.
Avoiding conflict
Say you ask a question, share a concern, or try to convey how you feel about something. Instead of engaging with you, your partner goes silent, folds their arms, or refuses to acknowledge you. This silent treatment might be coming from a place of self-protection on their end, but you’re left feeling confused and rejected.
Avoiding eye contact or walking away
Maybe your partner leaves the room or turns their back at the first sign of impending conflict. They might see this as a way to avoid escalation, but for you, it just feels like your issues and concerns don’t matter to them.
Silent treatment
The silent treatment is more than just taking a beat to cool off. If your partner refuses to speak, respond, or acknowledge you for extended periods of time, it can leave you feeling deeply hurt, powerless, or even questioning your own self-worth. For them, they might feel too paralyzed to engage or fear having difficult conversations, but for you, it feels more intentional.
Minimizing or dismissing a partner’s concerns
This can show up as “you’re overreacting” or “it’s not that big of a deal.” The stonewalling partner might use these phrases to shut down a conversation before it can even begin. They might think they’re avoiding unnecessary drama, but all the other person hears is that their feelings are invalid.
Unlike gaslighting, which involves emotional manipulation, or passive-aggressive behavior in a relationship, which expresses resentment in indirect ways, stonewalling is often a stress response rooted in being emotionally overwhelmed. That doesn’t excuse the behavior or make it any less hurtful, but recognizing the difference can help couples tackle the issue with more empathy.
How Stonewalling Can Affect Your Relationship
When left unaddressed, stonewalling in relationships can quietly erode trust and emotional intimacy. If one partner repeatedly shuts down when things get tough, the other can be left feeling unheard, unseen, and undervalued. This dynamic can also contribute to:
- Feelings of loneliness or resentment
- A power imbalance in the relationship
- Barriers to healthy conflict resolution
- Emotional detachment, divorce, or separation
This kind of behavior can spiral into a vicious loop where the more one partner shuts down, the more the other grows desperate for connection. The good news is that there are ways to break out of the cycle and learn how to communicate better in your relationship.
“In my experience, if stonewalling keeps happening in a relationship and nobody talks about it, things can get really bad over time. When one person constantly shuts down or avoids communication, the other person starts to feel alone, like their feelings don’t matter. Eventually, both people might stop trying to connect at all. They might start holding in their frustration, and small problems turn into bigger ones. Instead of feeling close, they end up feeling distant and even defensive around each other.”
– Talkspace therapist Dr. Dion Metzger, MD
How To Stop Stonewalling Your Partner
Changing patterns of stonewalling in relationships takes time, and it starts from a place of understanding, not blame. If you’re the one who tends to avoid and shut down, that doesn’t make you a bad partner. Most of us are just doing our best to cope, and that looks different for everyone.
If at this point you’re thinking, “I do this, but I’m not trying to hurt anyone;” you’re not the only one. Many people unintentionally stonewall not as a way to punish their partners, but simply to protect themselves. Learning how to stop stonewalling in a relationship starts with self-awareness, compassion, and new communication tools.
“I think the first step is just realizing you’re doing it, that’s already a big deal. Most of the time, stonewalling happens because you’re overwhelmed, not because you don’t care. What helps is learning to slow down and actually figure out what you’re feeling instead of just shutting down. It’s not easy and doesn’t change right away, but with time, even those tough moments can turn into chances to really connect with someone.”
– Talkspace therapist Dr. Dion Metzger, MD
Recognize your triggers and practice self-awareness
The next time it happens, take notice of how emotional overload feels in your body. Does your heart race or your breathing get shallow? Do you feel a strong urge to bail on the conversation? Take these as warning signals to pause rather than shut down.
Practice self-regulating techniques
Communicate your need for space
When you’re overwhelmed, it can be hard to express yourself clearly in the moment. That’s why it helps to agree ahead of time on a simple phrase or “code word” with your partner—something you wouldn’t use in everyday conversation, like “I need space” or “pause time.”
If you can, say something like: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need a break to calm down, but I promise I’ll come back so we can talk.” This can help ease tension for both of you. And when you’ve both agreed on what these signals mean, it builds trust, even during tough moments.
Return to the conversation when you can
Once you feel more settled, keep your promise to return. This builds trust and reinforces to your partner that you care and you’re there, even when things get hard. If you’re not sure what to say, start with, “Thanks for waiting. I’m ready to listen now.”
How to Deal with Being Stonewalled
It’s hard enough to be vulnerable and share your true feelings with someone, especially when you know doing so could lead to conflict. When that vulnerability is met with silence or withdrawal, it can be deeply painful, like your efforts to connect are being ignored or dismissed.
While being on the receiving end of stonewalling can shake your sense of safety in a relationship, there are ways to respond that protect your heart while keeping the door open for healthier communication.
“I’d say yeah, it’s horrible to feel ignored, but sometimes when someone shuts down, it’s because they’re stressed or overwhelmed, not because they’re trying to be mean. It helps to give them a little space and focus on calming yourself down, too. Then later, when things aren’t so heated, you can talk about how it made you feel.”
– Talkspace therapist Dr. Dion Metzger, MD
Don’t escalate — stay calm and non-judgmental
When you feel your partner pulling back, your first instinct might be to express your frustration. Instead, take a moment to ground yourself and maintain your composure. With a gentle voice, try something like, “I can sense that you’re overwhelmed. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.” By keeping defensiveness and judgment at bay, you give both parties permission to cool down and return when things feel calmer.
Express your feelings using “I” statements
Try focusing on your own feelings using “I” statements to prevent blame from creeping in and make room for a deeper connection. Opt for “I feel sad and alone when we can’t talk about things” instead of “you always shut me out.” The goal of this communication exercise for couples is to shift the focus away from pointing fingers and help your partner see the effect that their withdrawal is having on you.
Acknowledge how painful it is to feel ignored
It might seem obvious to you, but it’s possible that your partner truly doesn’t realize the emotional distance they’re causing by stonewalling. Acknowledge your pain honestly and with vulnerability. Letting them know how you feel can foster empathy instead of triggering guilt or more withdrawal.
Encourage counseling or communication tools together
For some people, stonewalling might be a deeply ingrained pattern of behavior that they can’t fix on their own. If you’re not making progress working through relationship stonewalling as a couple, suggest resources like different types of couples therapy, books, or online tools. You might approach this kind of conversation with “We both deserve a relationship where we feel heard. Would you be open to working on this together with a therapist?” Framing therapy as a shared effort can also help mitigate defensiveness or blame.
Building Connection After Stonewalling
Rebuilding connection after stonewalling starts with intentional small steps, like showing up for the tough conversations and learning to regulate emotions together. Whether you’re working toward breaking the cycle of withdrawal or discovering how to rebuild trust in a relationship after being shut out, professional support can make all the difference. With Talkspace, couples can access expert help from licensed therapists, on their own schedule and from anywhere.
Take the first step toward replacing disconnection with dialogue with easy, accessible online couples therapy.
Sources:
- The four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Gottman.com. Date unknown. Accessed June 12, 2025. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
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